the talk of shame

last night while waiting on the subway to take me back to brooklyn, i saw the hottest guy walking towards me.  i, of course, did what most girls do – ran my fingers through my hair to make sure it was perfect, licked my lips to give them their shiniest and poutiest potential, and stood straight with stomach flattened and breasts poking forward with just a bit of cleavage showing to tempt his eyes.  he continued to manuever his way through the crowd and as he got close to me i was prepared to flash him the smile that never fails me.  but then i saw it.

he had a gimpy hand.  a tiny, underdeveloped, partially functioning, gimpy hand.

i then had to ask myself “am i the most hypocritical, vain bitch on earth?”  i am FAR from perfect.  yet i pride myself on the fact that i can take a man who would never think i was his type into thinking i am the most irresistable women he has ever met.  it’s actually one of my favorite things to do.  yet, when i saw this super hot guy on the subway platform i couldn’t get the picture out of my head of him trying to finger me with those tiny little fingers.

ok, yes that was a completely inappropriate thought for me to have for several different reasons.  a)  he would obviously use his good arm to finger me and b) he probably gets more ass than i do.  at the end of the day he was still gorgeous.  and one thing i’ve learned about men with disabilities, is that there is a woman out there who is dying to rush in and take care of him.  it’s in our nature.

what i learned about myself is that, as bitchy as it sounds, underdeveloped limbs is one disability that i don’t know if i have the balls to handle in a relationship right now.  BUT it also made me think about the several disabilities i could totally live with, and actually would love to get to experience!

paraplegics – when i saw the movie murderball i spent the next 6 months looking for a boyfriend in a wheelchair.  that movie completely turned me on.  the guys were super hot, athletic and loved the fact that their penises still worked.  there is this whole scene in the movie about how paraplegics do the deed.  some positions involve wrapping a towel around the women’s waist, some positions are just done right in the wheelchair.  all i remember is that a lot of those positions involved the woman being dominating and it totally turned me on.

blindness – i could totally date a blind guy, however i feel like this could backfire on me.  what if assholes, a.k.a. people like me, started saying things behind my back like “if he could see, he would totally not be with that bitch.”  harsh.  beyond the petty gossip that would occur, the only thing that would truly annoy me about dating a blind man is i would always have to drive!  i don’t drive.  that’s why i live in new york city.  a train or cab or my feet can take me anywhere i need to be.  i never have to worry about having a designated driver and i never have to pay insurance premiums.  it’s great.  so i guess the only caveat to dating a blind man, is that i would only date a blind man in new york city.

deafness – i love live music.  and from what i hear (no pun intended, but it’s fitting) so do deaf people.  they can feel the beats of the drum, the strums of the bass and can totally get into it.  and the best part of going to shows with my deaf boyfriend is we would never have to scream at each other over the music to hear each other.  i would obviously have to learn sign language and we could use that.  sign language would also make me bi-lingual which would look good on my resume.  however, the deaf world is pretty exclusive and may not let me in.  i watched an episode of cold case once where this deaf guy was dating a hearing girl, and his deaf friends were not having it and murdered his ass!

we all judge each other.  some people don’t date fat people, some people don’t date people of another race, some people don’t date people in a different social class.  it’s all the same.  right or wrong?  i don’t know.  i do know that there is a possibility to change ones mind.  who knows, perhaps if i hadn’t pre-judged the gimpy armed subway boy, and had bothered to flash that smile, we could have met and i could have changed my opinion.  or maybe he looked at me and thought “keep dreaming honey.  i am way out of your league”