Daily Archives: October 17, 2008

you’re doing it wrong

sex offenders in maryland have begun receiving paper signs in the mail with a giant pumpkin that reads “no candy at this residence” which they have to hang on their front doors or they get thrown in the clink.

hats off to maryland for protecting the little ones. things like this didn’t exist when i was a child in the 80s, which is why my peers ended up on milk cartons and why america’s most wanted was even created.

but this does not seem like the most proactive way to keep your kids away from creepy child touchers. if i were the state of maryland, child molesters would have a giant lima bean sign or a giant sheet of homework sign – things children hate!

if i were still a kid and all i saw was a pumpkin and the word candy, i’m sprinting! not running, not walking, SPRINTING to that house.

that said, i hope that all the little kiddies are safe this halloween and stay away from the pumpkin houses.

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mirena is for the responsible only

i forget to take the pill all the time. i start out strong as a sunday starter, but by friday i’m usually doubling up on my missed dose. i thought the best way to fix this was to get the new IUD – mirena. it’s birth control that lasts for up to 5 years and it’s much safer than the IUD’s of the past.

so i go to my gyno, thinking this will just be an easy breezy process. i thought i would make an appointment, the doc would have the device there, they would put it in, and i could go about my sporadic sex life. WRONG. i discovered the appointment was really just a consultation. here is how the convo between my doc and i went down:

doc: “so are you in a monogamous relationship?”

me: “ummm…well i’m definitely sleeping with pretty much one guy, but i don’t know who his girlfriend might be banging on the side.”

doctor looks at me

me: “no, just kidding” (even though i wasn’t) “yea, it’s just the one guy”

doc: “ok well let me explain the possible side effects. you may experience some irregular bleeding in between periods, but a lot of women stop their period all together”

me: “AWESOME”

doc: “and you may experience some severe lower back pain in the beginning”

me: “uh huh”

doc: “we would have to schedule it during your next menstrual cycle as the device is put in during your period”

me: “interesting”

doc: “and if you accidentally get pregnant while on it, you will probably not have a choice on whether you want to keep it or not (meaning bye bye baby) and if you contract an std such as chlamydia or gonorrhea, you may be permanently sterile.”

me: silence

doc: “and it’s $499 bucks and insurance doesn’t yet cover it. should we schedule your appointment?”

ok that last part didn’t really come out of her, but i did later discover that truth when i contacted my insurance company. the bottom line is, unless you are in a totally committed relationship (where the guy can pay for half) then i suggest just staying on the pill and using condoms when you forget. mirena is definitely the “adult” birth control, and i’m just not there yet.

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and today’s girl crush award goes to…JANET STREET-PORTER!!!

Janet Street-Porter 'always has sex on the first date'
i know, i have no idea who the hell she is either, but i was reading this story on The Telegraph and decided i was in love. this is who i want to be in 30 years.

Janet Street-Porter ‘always has sex on the first date’

The broadcaster and self-titled gobby queen of Fleet Street Janet Street-Porter has revealed how she always has sex on the first date to find out if the man is worth a second encounter.

Miss Street-Porter, 61, who has been married four times already, spilt the beans during a talk at the Cheltenham Literature Festival.

“I always have sex on the first date because if they’re crap there won’t be a second date,” she announced.

However, she settled down with Peter Spanton, a 53-year-old ex-restaurateur-turned-psychotherapy student, ten years ago, swapping her busy love life for one of monogamy.

She told one interviewer earlier this year that she no longer sees sex as a central part of her life, as it was ten years ago.

“I still like sex, obviously, but it’s not something that I’m completely obsessed about,” she said.

“I don’t go into a room and think I could pull someone though that’s definitely how I used to think.”

The I’m a Celebrity contestant, who has a slot examining food issues on chef Gordon Ramsay’s F-Word, claims to have now discovered the secret to a lasting relationship: not to see too much of each other.

Her previous marriages were to photographer Tim Street-Porter, Time Out publisher Tony Elliott and film director Frank Cvitanovich. Her last, brief marriage, to David Sorkin, a salesman 22 years her junior, took place at 3.30am in Las Vegas.

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searching for mr. vibe

i just moved and as i was unpacking i discovered all these vibrators that i had completely forgotten about. at first i was ecstatic. it’s like putting on that coat you haven’t worn since last winter and finding 20 bucks in the pocket. but my moment of elation was short lived when i realized why these sex toys had been forgotten. they sucked.

if one were to go through my collection, they would think i was somewhat of a nympho (which isn’t necessarily untrue.) however, i have one tried, tested and true vibrator and that is my one and only.

the first vibrator i bought was the hitachi magic wand and the only reason i don’t have it today is because i literally wore it to the bone. but instead of buying another one, i wanted to see what else the world of sex toys had to offer. i purchased things that looked like dolphins and rabbits; things that were pink and glittery and shiny and pearl colored; and they ALL disappointed me and became banished to the useless sex toy box.

i finally found love in the gallant http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-slimline/gallant-assorted-colors (mine is red) not saying it would be the best vibrator for all, but it’s been my best friend. he actually took a little work getting used to, but now we understand each other.

i’ve recently been considering another purchase – the sasi http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-premium/sasi-vibrator-by-babeland i’ve seen it, tried it, played with it, even had a personal one on one with one of the babeland instructors who came to my show. but i’m still hesitant. if the past has taught me anything it’s that you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. but if that prince has adjustable speeds and can give me head like i’ve never had, then i guess he was worth the trouble.

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past pussy haunts

the other day i was watching one of my other crack addictions – top design 2. a guy i know is friends with one of the contestants on the show and i’ve been hard pressed to find out if he won, so every time i see him i pester him. i saw him the other day and asked my usual question but this time the conversation got a bit more personal:

friend: “no, he still won’t tell me if he won. i’m just waiting for that preston to finally get kicked off.”

me: “preston…?”

friend: “you know the really pretty, shiny guy.”

me: “oh yea. why?”

friend: “cause he has a tiny penis”

now, i can’t remember the conversation verbatim, but by the end of it i knew that allegedly at some point in time the two of these guys had met, schtuppted, and now had the stories to go along with it, and it made me realize why i could never be famous (or at least go on a reality show)

if there was a chance that even 1 in 5 of the guys i’ve banged could have something to say about my sack skills or physicalities that could embarrass me, true or not, those are odds i’m just not willing to take.

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Filed under keeping it real: my public obsession