Monthly Archives: November 2008

birthday = bootay! but i was a good girl.

happy_birthday-custom

so today is my actual birthday, but i decided to start celebrating last night and continue until after the thanksgiving holiday is over. last night i made out with the HOTTEST israeli boy. the only problem was, he is a biter. i thought i would wake up with all sorts of battle wounds this morning, but luckily not one hickey.

i am surprised i kept my panties on and didn’t fuck him last night. i’m a true believer that everyone deserves to get laid on their birthday. but lately, with the whole unemployed thing, i just haven’t been as horny as normal. and actually, i had forgotten how fun it is just to have an hour long makeout session in the middle of the bar and then jump in a cab home and have the bed all to myself!

oh and p.s. whoever said that kissing in the rain is romantic is a fucking idiot. it was freezing and now my hair is fucked up and frizzy.

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axl rose can still make me do whatever he wants

axl_rose_01

i can’t remember which crush came first. sebastian bach of skid row or axl from guns n’ roses. but i do know which had more talent. appetite for destruction was one of the 1st cassette tapes i bought all by myself. and years after that purchase, i remember standing on the sofa in my parents faux-wood paneled basement, wishing i was stephanie seymour, acting out my own version of “november rain” over and over and over again. gnr was a huge part of my musical development as a child, so i was sad when it was all over.

so now, with the release of the new gnr album, chinese democracy, just 1 day away, i have to say i’m actually excited. i don’t think i’ve purchased an actual jewel cased CD since napster came out in ’99, but i think i may actually hike on over to my local best buy tomorrow afternoon and pick up a copy of this long awaited album.

nothing will ever live up to the magic that slash and axl had together, but i’m hopeful that axl alone will still make me want to rock out in my house, bang my head, and act out fantasies with his lyrics.

and if not, i’ll just watch terminator 2 and remember what a kick ass song “you could be mine” was.

p.s. don’t forget! dr. pepper will be giving everyone a free soda as a congratulations for chinese democracy being released in 2008 so don’t forget to print your coupon starting at 12:01 AM tomorrow and get yours!

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the friend test and getting back into the radio groove

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if you want to find out who your true friends are, then lose your job. trust me, through all these years and countless numbers of people i’ve called friends, getting laid off last week was the most efficient way to weed out the ones who weren’t real from the ones who truly love me.

i was watching that movie, the beach, with leo dicaprio this morning, and there was one scene that struck me and reminded me of my own situation. it’s when those swedish guys got attacked by a shark. one of the guys was dead as soon as they brought him back to shore. the other guy was still alive, but his wounds were so severe, it was clear he wouldn’t make it. but he wouldn’t die right away, and as he cried out in pain and lay slowly dying in front of the others, they just couldn’t take it, so they carried him out into the forest to die alone so they wouldn’t have to face the reality.

the people i once confided in and trusted, feel such guilt about the situation that i’m in (and some because they helped contribute to me being here) that they can’t even talk to me and want to forget i even existed. but this last week i’ve received so many emails from fans of the show that want to know what happened, and why i’m not around, and how they can hear the conclusions to some lingering stories in my life, and that made me realize that i can’t just let those others banish me to the wild, never to be heard from again.

so starting very soon, i will be uploading my own radio show to this blog also called “the talk of shame.” it will be a continuation of the things i love to share – my sex life, the “hot pocket”, and sex advice. plus much more, like my reality tv obsession, my secret wish to be a madam, and my love for gay porn. this will have to start as a podcast initially, but hopefully with your support and time, i will soon be on the air again where i love to be.

i remember several months ago one of my “friends” saying to me, “keshia, if you ever find me making a podcast, kill me. podcasts are for desperate losers.” so i guess it’s a good thing he decided to remove himself from my friendship list, because i’ve made his “loser” list. but i’m ok with that, as long as i’m having fun with the people who give a shit.

check back after thanksgiving weekend for the show. in the meantime i will continue to write about the randomness that is my life.

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claire bartel didn’t like it. why do you?

the-hand-that-rocks-the-cradle

my friend just revealed what may be the single most disturbing piece of information i’ve ever let enter my external auditory meatus:

she has a super hot male gynecologist who she is totally crushin’ on, and likes having a hot guy who sticks things in her woo-haa because since she’s so turned on by him, it keeps her nice and wet and lubed

i’ll let you sit with that for a minute……………………………………………………………………………….

ok first, male gyno – GROSS

second, hot male gyno – KILL ME

the last person i want to tell me that i have a slight yeast infection, or that those blisters down there look like herpes, or that the strong odor emitting from my crotch is bacterial vaginosis – IS A FUCKING HOT GUY THAT I WANT TO BANG

not only does she let him do his gyno business down there, they also have a great relationship and share “war stories” – she tells him about the time a condom got lost inside her – he tells her about the time he was a resident and delivered a baby with a blue condom stuck to it’s head

everything about this relationship is wrong, wrong, wrong. i just feel that your gyno should be a women in her mid to late 30’s who is like the sister that won’t judge you (at least not to your face), and will give you free packets of fluconazole. when my nipples get hard during the breast exam, my doctor knows it’s because the room is freezing, not because i want to get pounded on the examining table (while that does actually sound totally hot, it’s one of those fantasies that should never become a reality – see also: threesome, see also: gang bang)

i hope for her sake that her pap results come back all clear, because there is probably nothing that can extinguish an indecent affair faster than the guy you lust after telling you that you have warts.

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the keshia m. diary – 18.11.2008

diary-pic

days since being “laid off” – 5

movies watched – 3

cigarettes smoked – 3

resumes sent out – 4

alcoholic beverages had – 0

apple pie eaten – nom nom nom

yes i know i’m biting from bridget jones, but lately i’m beginning to feel like my life is a work of fiction. actually a cross between a work of fiction and groundhog day (the movie). i wake up, walk the dog, search for jobs, walk the dog, eat, watch tv, search for more jobs, eat, and usually fit in a cry in between that.

losing the job of my dreams was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. i feel confused, scared, manic, angry, depressed, suicidal, and betrayed. and now i’m expected to interview and show my good side?!

the one good thing about this past week is all the stuff i’ve gotten to take care of. today i went to see my coochie doctor and have my cervix scraped, and since it was a weekday at 2:00, i was out the door by 2:08. then, since i was in the neighborhood of one of my favorite movie theaters, i went to see quantum of solace (i give it a B-/C+). tomorrow i plan on getting my hair done since it has looked like a rat’s nest for the last month, and then i will go get my license renewed (can’t get a picture taken that’s going to last for 5 years unless i got a fresh do). i also pulled out all my soapmaking and body product supplies and plan on getting “crafty with it” and making my lip balms and lotions.

oh, and yesterday i illegally downloaded the new britney album. got through 2 songs and was completely bored. glad i wasn’t planning on buying it!

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like warm apple pie

my-1st-apple-pie

it may not be the prettiest but it tastes pretty damn good. this is my very first attempt at baking a homemade apple pie.

and no, you can’t stick your dick in it.

if you care, i used this recipe. and i cheated and used pre-made frozen pie crusts. i may be unemployed, but i don’t have ALL the fucking time in the world.

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because it makes me laugh

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