Monthly Archives: September 2009

while you’re collecting unemployment…


tonight is the season premiere of “the hills” and i’ll admit it – i will be watching it!  but that doesn’t mean i can’t hate them too. the daily beast got a hold of the reali-celebs contracts.

so while you’re slaving away in your cubicle for beer money and rent.  check out what some rich parents, fake boobs, and a loose vagina will get ya…

Lauren Conrad – $125,000 per episode (her contract also stated that nobody on The Hills could make more than her)
Kristin Cavallari – $90,000 per episode
Heidi Montag – $100,000 per episode
Audrina Patridge – $100,000 per episode
Lo Bosworth – $100,000 per episode
Spencer Pratt – $65,000 per episode
Brody Jenner – $45,000 per episode


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Filed under keeping it real: my public obsession

some days i’m afraid i will break down and turn into this lady

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and today’s girl crush award goes too..

dayan from karuhata


so last night i went to a show in brooklyn at a place called the lake in bushwick.  i had originally gone to check out kagero, a band i recently discovered and like, but found myself falling in love with the lead singer of karuhata.

now i’ll admit, at first i wasn’t a fan.  have you ever seen somebody and just instantly decided that you don’t like them?  no real reason or purpose behind it – you just don’t.  that’s how i felt when i first arrived at the venue and saw her in the audience watching the other bands.

but when she got on stage, all of that changed.  small in stature compared to the all-male counterparts on stage with her, she completely commanded the stage with her moshpit-inducing lyrics.  she transported me back to the 90’s when ska was king, all day music festivals were the norm, and moshpits were my gym membership.  even though i feel way too old to join in such antics now, watching and listening to it brought out the inner punk chick that still lives inside me.  the audience was completely under her spell and even started chanting after their set was done to bring her back for more.

most girls have the fantasy of being a star on stage in one way, shape or form, and dayan is living out that fantasy.  that alone makes her one of the hottest chicks in the room, but in addition to her rock star status, she also has, hands down, one of the cutest haircuts i’ve ever seen and that is what sealed the deal as my official girl crush of the day.

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Filed under and the girl crush award goes too...

according to the brits, jackie harris and i have slept with the entire world


there is a scene from the t.v. show roseanne, that i quote so often, that sometimes it feels like it happened in my own life.  it is a scene in which jackie, roseanne’s sister, and jackie’s husband, fred, decide to have the “numbers” talk.  it goes down like this:

Fred: How many men did you date before we met?

Jackie Harris: Well, do you mean dated at all, or dated seriously?

Fred: Well, oh, I mean seriously.

Jackie Harris: Okay, I have to say… just a few.

Fred: Good. It’s not that I mind if you slept with lots of guys…

Jackie Harris:[chuckles] Oh, well slept with!

Jackie Harris: [chuckles harder] Well…

Jackie Harris: [soberly] That’s not what you asked me.

Fred: No I guess it wasn’t.

Jackie Harris: [chuckling] Well, Fred, don’t worry… it’s not that many. I’d – I’d saaay – three a year.

Fred: Since you were, what, eighteen?

Jackie Harris: [thinks] Okay, we’ll go with that.

Fred: [looking shocked] Oh, oh wow.

Jackie Harris: [getting defensive] Well, Fred! It’s not *that* many! Three a year for 20 years is, 60 – wow.

Fred: Gawd… I don’t even *know* 60 people.

Jackie Harris: Well, I didn’t *know* all of them.

i thought of this episode once again this morning when i discovered the “sex degrees of separation” calculator on the website of the british chain, lloyds pharmacy.  to promote sexual awareness, this calculator helps you work out how many direct and indirect sexual partners you have had in the sense of possible exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.  it totals up the numbers based on your number of partners, then their previous partners, and their former lovers, and so on for six “generations” of partners.

the average british bloke claims to have slept with 9 people, while the average british lass puts her number at 6.3, giving an average of 7.65.  according to the “sex degrees of separation” calculator, that means the average brit has slept with 2.8 million people, directly and indirectly.

this is interesting, informative, and i’m absolutely a fervent promoter of safe sex and learning about sexual health.  HOWEVER, i have several problems with lloyds and it’s little calculator…

1. lloyds expects people to remember their number of sexual partners.  ok this may be an easy feat for some.  but for people like jackie harris, that’s hard to do.  if you’ve been sexually active for 10 years or more, trying to think back a DECADE to remember some horrible one-night stand is not easy.

2. after you are done feeling like a giant whore, and you’ve tallied all the possible notches in your bed post you can remember, you then have to know their ages at the time you boned them!  now if you’re like jackie harris, trying to come up with a number was traumatizing enough, let alone trying to figure out when their birthday is.

3. so let’s say you actually made it to step three, the calculation.  then i congratulate you!  because i didn’t.  actually it wasn’t that i didn’t, so much as i COULDN’T.  just like when one gets a new ferrari, i wanted to “open this calculator up” and take it for a ride.  so i entered my age, and put that i had slept with over 50 people (this is all in the name of science).  and THIS is the answer i got back:

We are unable to perform this calculation.

what is the point of putting that option on there if your retarded calculator can’t even multiply!

my only theory is that lloyds pharmacy is owned by some uptight prude who wants to make people like jackie harris feel like a prostitute!

damn you lloyds!

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Filed under oversexed & underserved, what's in the news today

different strokes for different folks

gimpy hand

last night while waiting on the subway to take me back to brooklyn, i saw the hottest guy walking towards me.  i, of course, did what most girls do – ran my fingers through my hair to make sure it was perfect, licked my lips to give them their shiniest and poutiest potential, and stood straight with stomach flattened and breasts poking forward with just a bit of cleavage showing to tempt his eyes.  he continued to manuever his way through the crowd and as he got close to me i was prepared to flash him the smile that never fails me.  but then i saw it.

he had a gimpy hand.  a tiny, underdeveloped, partially functioning, gimpy hand.

i then had to ask myself “am i the most hypocritical, vain bitch on earth?”  i am FAR from perfect.  yet i pride myself on the fact that i can take a man who would never think i was his type into thinking i am the most irresistable women he has ever met.  it’s actually one of my favorite things to do.  yet, when i saw this super hot guy on the subway platform i couldn’t get the picture out of my head of him trying to finger me with those tiny little fingers.

ok, yes that was a completely inappropriate thought for me to have for several different reasons.  a)  he would obviously use his good arm to finger me and b) he probably gets more ass than i do.  at the end of the day he was still gorgeous.  and one thing i’ve learned about men with disabilities, is that there is a woman out there who is dying to rush in and take care of him.  it’s in our nature.

what i learned about myself is that, as bitchy as it sounds, underdeveloped limbs is one disability that i don’t know if i have the balls to handle in a relationship right now.  BUT it also made me think about the several disabilities i could totally live with, and actually would love to get to experience!

paraplegics – when i saw the movie murderball i spent the next 6 months looking for a boyfriend in a wheelchair.  that movie completely turned me on.  the guys were super hot, athletic and loved the fact that their penises still worked.  there is this whole scene in the movie about how paraplegics do the deed.  some positions involve wrapping a towel around the women’s waist, some positions are just done right in the wheelchair.  all i remember is that a lot of those positions involved the woman being dominating and it totally turned me on.

blindness – i could totally date a blind guy, however i feel like this could backfire on me.  what if assholes, a.k.a. people like me, started saying things behind my back like “if he could see, he would totally not be with that bitch.”  harsh.  beyond the petty gossip that would occur, the only thing that would truly annoy me about dating a blind man is i would always have to drive!  i don’t drive.  that’s why i live in new york city.  a train or cab or my feet can take me anywhere i need to be.  i never have to worry about having a designated driver and i never have to pay insurance premiums.  it’s great.  so i guess the only caveat to dating a blind man, is that i would only date a blind man in new york city.

deafness – i love live music.  and from what i hear (no pun intended, but it’s fitting) so do deaf people.  they can feel the beats of the drum, the strums of the bass and can totally get into it.  and the best part of going to shows with my deaf boyfriend is we would never have to scream at each other over the music to hear each other.  i would obviously have to learn sign language and we could use that.  sign language would also make me bi-lingual which would look good on my resume.  however, the deaf world is pretty exclusive and may not let me in.  i watched an episode of cold case once where this deaf guy was dating a hearing girl, and his deaf friends were not having it and murdered his ass!

we all judge each other.  some people don’t date fat people, some people don’t date people of another race, some people don’t date people in a different social class.  it’s all the same.  right or wrong?  i don’t know.  i do know that there is a possibility to change ones mind.  who knows, perhaps if i hadn’t pre-judged the gimpy armed subway boy, and had bothered to flash that smile, we could have met and i could have changed my opinion.  or maybe he looked at me and thought “keep dreaming honey.  i am way out of your league”

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Filed under oversexed & underserved, the keshia k. diary, the rules of...

and today’s girl crush award goes too…


alicia keys!!!

i know empire state of mind is on the new jay-z album, but for real, it’s alicia who takes this track to the next level.  one of my favorite moments this weekend was standing in a the middle of a bar in brooklyn and singing alicia’s hook at the top of my lungs.

it’s times like these i wish i had listened to my mom and gone to church.  not to pray and stuff.  but to get that good ol’ baptist gospel voice that can make you a star.

if you haven’t heard the song, take a listen below.

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Filed under and the girl crush award goes too...

hofstra university gang rape is a fake


remember how i said men hate rape fantasies?  this little girl above is exactly the reason why.

the crazy bitch from hofstra university claimed to have been gang-raped by 5 men about 4 days ago.  i remember reading the story and being horrified.  now according to the ny post, she made the entire thing up.  she claims she didn’t want her fellow students and her new boyfriend to think she was a whore.  4 teenage kids spent days in jail with angry, horny, incarcerated men thinking they were gang rapists.  and the only reason the bitch came clean with the truth is because one of the guys allegedly captured the whole consensual ordeal on his cell phone video.  the nutjob has been suspended from the university and the kid who had originally been suspended is in the process of being reinstated.  i have just 2 things to say about this.

a) if you are a whore, own it.

b) those guys are going to videotape every sexual encounter they ever have again, that is once their dicks are over this trauma and they are actually in the mood to fuck again.


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Filed under what's in the news today