Monthly Archives: January 2010

life of the singledame

one of the great parts of being single is how many things all the single women out there have in common.  there are two things that i believe most of the singledames (new term and i’m claiming it) would absolutely relate to me on:

a) our vibrators are never far from our reach in bed, if not directly under our pillow, and

b) since sex isn’t always a guarantee, we will bang all night when it does come around, and we love the feeling of being awakened by a rock hard penis poking us and saying he’s ready to go again.

these two singledame similarities led to a funny story that i felt i should share with you, even if just for a cheap laugh.

so i had been out in the city eating and boozing it up and was hoping for a possible booty call.  to my dismay the booty call did not come through so i cabbed it back home where i knew there were two definites waiting for me – a haagen dazs ice cream bar and “big red” my faithful dildo.

after all was said and done, big red took his spot in the bed and i passed out.

that night i was having strange dreams and a rather restless sleep that keep me tossing and turning.  around 3 AM i went to re-position and HELLO that familiar rock hard poke had found its way just slightly between my butt cheeks.  for a moment i was completely turned on and even remembering smiling to myself at the prospect of having middle of the night sex.  but that joy turned to sheer terror as i thought “WHO THE HELL IS IN MY BED?!”  so i quickly turned around to find out if i had drank more than i thought and wasn’t alone in that cab ride, and TA DA, instant relief, as i discovered the man looking for a quickie in the middle of the night was just good ol’ big red.

what a cheeky bastard he is.

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put it in your mouth. right?

often times as a “sexpert” people start to believe that i’ve heard and done everything there is relating to sex.  and to be honest, at times i thought i had too.  however after an impromptu “girls’ night” recently, i discovered that there are things about sex that i had no idea about.

as most girls’ night outings do, the conversation turned to men and sex.  at one point in the conversation my friend made the statement “i’ve never had the taste of sperm in my mouth.” my other friend and i gave her a quizzical look and both wondered aloud how that is even possible.  she claimed that in all of her years of having sex (and let me mention there are A LOT of years), that she had never let a guy come in her mouth.  only once, she revealed, was a guy able to do it, and it was because it was a “surprise attack.”  luckily, she said, he ejaculated straight down her throat, bypassing all of her taste buds, so it was relatively harmless.

now while the revelation alone that there is a woman out there (and a friend of mine to boot) that had never tasted a man’s “special sauce” was mind-blowing enough, it still wasn’t the most shocking part of the conversation.

the three of us continued to discuss men and their penises, and eventually my “non-swallowing” friend threw out the rhetorical question “but really, is there a guy out there who doesn’t like getting blow jobs”  she and i chuckled and expected silence until we heard the words “well actually” utter from our other friend’s mouth.

“what?!?” “huh?!?” were the only words that could escape our mouths while she went on to explain how there is a guy out there who doesn’t want you to perform oral sex on him.  she had been in a serious relationship with the guy for quite a while, he cared about her a lot and in his mind she was “wifey.”  so because she was his “wife,” in a sense, he never wanted her to perform oral sex because he thought it was degrading and beneath her.

several questions were raised by this divulgment:

– does that mean a guy who always wants me to give him blow jobs doesn’t see me as “wifey” material?

– do i have to keep all the awesome BJ skills i’ve learned over the years under wraps until i have a ring on my finger?

and most importantly

– all guys really do love blow jobs, so if he isn’t getting them from me, where the hell is he getting them from?

while the first two questions are obviously a case-by-case basis depending on the guy and his opinions on the matter, i think it’s safe to say that the third question is easily answered with “if you aren’t licking his lollipop, somebody out there is”  one thing i have learned from men over these past several years is that even when they say something crazy like “blow jobs are degrading if my girlfriend is doing it” they can justify, (in their heads), why cheating on you to get said blow job, is ok.

bottom line – beware the man who pushes your mouth away.  because a mouth at play will probably keep the cheating at bay.  OK.

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One question, in life there’s only the winning or the losing. Is that really true?

i watched the most amazing movie the other night called battle royale.  it’s about a group of teenagers sent to an island to, literally, fight for their lives.  there can be only one winner as everyone else must be killed.  the movie, ironically, was suggested to me by a guy i have a huge crush on.  i say ironically because the entire time i was watching this movie i kept thinking “this is what it’s like to date in new york city.”

girl meets boy.  girl hangs out with boy.  girl sleeps with boy.  girl starts to like boy.  girl falls hard for boy.  girl starts becoming aware of other girls in the picture with boy.  girl steps up her game with boy.  girl tries to get other girls out of boys picture.

this scenario is familiar to most women who are reading this and there are only two options at the end: girl fails to win the boy or girl becomes the sole “battle royale” winner.  but how does one claw, kick, and fight her way to the top without becoming a deranged, out of control psycho in the process?

in the movie as well as in the nyc dating scene, the “players” in the game are constantly watching their backs because they never know who is just around the corner waiting to attack.  just when you think you’ve gotten rid of one threat, out of nowhere another one pops up and has to be dealt with.  you also don’t know who to trust because even though before the “game” started, everyone was friends, that obviously changes when the situation dictates that “it’s either me or you.”

remaining sane throughout the journey is the hardest part.  knowing that other women are also looking to be the “sole survivor” in winning the guy you like makes even the most laid back, independent women go ape-shit crazy.  so how to deal?  in battle royale the ones who kept it cool the longest were the ones that trusted in good friends, didn’t submit to the horrors of the game, and had faith that everything would work out if they worked together to figure out a solution.

i don’t know how this game will play out for me and whether or not i will be the battle royale winner of love but i’m definitely not going down without taking a few bitches out first.

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