yesterday i picked up a copy of amNY on my way to the subway and came across a health article called “Bad Breakup? 5 steps to mend a broken heart. now i love amNY (they have the most accurate horoscopes around), and while i appreciate their attempt to prescribe “healthy” breakup advice via their free daily rag, it’s just the same regurgitated crap that i’ve heard a million times.
as someone who is currently going through an extremely bad breakup, i would like to offer “keshia’s 5 steps to mending a broken heart” mind you these 5 steps may only work for me and may result in death, coma, and/or other injury OR may result in the best rebound weeks of your life.
1. find the best dealer around. about 6 years ago a bunch of my gay boyfriends dragged me to a paula poundstone stand-up show. as a straight woman, that was probably one of the last places i would ever pay to be, but i will admit it, she was funny. at the time she was just making a come back from some very public personal problems with her demons, and she made the comment, referring to drugs, alcohol and depression, “i wake up and realize this is the best i’m going to feel all day and if something out there can make me feel better than i do right now, why wouldn’t i want it” and i agree.
2. find the best dealer around. i love to gamble. and blackjack is my game of choice. the last time i was in vegas i spent close to 10 hours at the same table and walked away with my first $1000 chip! there is nothing more empowering than kicking ass in a casino card game. go on a late sunday afternoon, or sometime during the week when you can find a $5 table. bring $200 and if you have rule # 1, bring that too, and play.
3. don’t hang around couples. at least for the first 3 weeks. nothing good will come from it. you will be bitter and everyone will know it.
4. date anything and everything. this is the hardest rule to follow because the truth is, when you are getting over someone you really like, everyone else just seems ugly and gross. you can’t imagine even kissing another person let alone sleeping with them. for the first 4 weeks, you may even find yourself not even looking men in the eye because you have lost all interest. but trust me LOOK UP. look any and all guys directly in the eye and actually smile. even if they aren’t your type, knowing that guys still want to bang you makes you feel instantly better, even if it’s only for a few minutes. refer to the quote in rule # 1 as to why this is important.
5. stay single girl ready at all times. it’s easy to let yourself go after a breakup. the waxes stop, the shaving may be less frequent, and you may start wearing a lot of flats, sneakers and boring clothes in general. as jacked as it is, when you go through a breakup it’s normal to start feeling like you are not sexually attractive to anyone anymore. but that is a lie. however if you aren’t ready to pounce on demand, you will lose a lot of opportunities to, as peaches puts it, fuck the pain away.
enjoy the video below. i’ve decided on the muppets version because, why not.