relationships make you lazy. relationships make you fat. relationships make you settle. and worst…relationships make you start to lose touch with the people you love most. i apologize for my absence. this relationship i’m in is not going to distract me anymore. just because i’m currently off the market, doesn’t mean i can’t still talk to you about what i love – sex. as i lay here next to this snoring pile of man i call “my love” i realize it’s more crucial than ever that i continue to share the stories of my past, present and anticipated future “love life” because i don’t have time to find a shrink and this is the closest i will come to relationship therapy. stay tuned…
Category Archives: dating in nyc
every now and again i venture into the world wide web of online dating, and every time i do (apart from 1 fun guy i dated for a few months last year) i decide that meeting people on the internet is stupid. for some it seems to really work, but i’m a sagittarius. i’m a talker, i flourish in social settings, and love to be the center of attention. within 30 seconds of meeting people i know whether they are someone who would be my friend or not (or in the case of men, whether i will sleep with them or not). none of these things can happen online. however, my sagittarian, optimistic nature has kept me open to the idea that one day i would change my mind. that is until i heard the following online dating horror story.
my friend, montana, had gone to a rooftop party down on wall street and ran into an acquaintance she hadn’t seen in a while. montana and she got into the topic of their dating lives in nyc when the acquaintance told her about a recent online dating experience she had. we’ll call that acquaintance “the lawyer.” the lawyer is a gorgeous, successful attorney who, as most new york women do, was trying to find a decent guy in this city. a friend suggested she try match.com. skeptical at first, she gave it a try and actually started talking to a guy who sparked her interest. they decided on dinner at the palm. he is an i-banker, lives in the city, great looking, sharp clothing and when the lawyer arrived was on his 2nd scotch, but who isn’t a bit heavy-handed with the drink when meeting blind dates, right?
they sat at the bar and the lawyer, who doesn’t drink at all by the way, did start to notice when he moved on to his 3rd and 4th drinks, but wasn’t going to judge. they continued to talk when he received a phone call. he stepped away to take it, and came back and said he had to run out quickly. he was gone for several minutes then returned. the lawyer asked “what was that all about” the i-banker said “had to meet my drug dealer” pause pause pause “HA, just kidding” the lawyer was relieved. pause pause pause “no but for real, i had to meet my drug dealer.”
at this point the lawyer was confused, but their table was ready and she was starving. after she, ordering the ribeye, and he, ordering several more scotches, they still continued to have good conversation and a fun time, so the night rolled on. after a while she excused herself to use the ladies room. as she pushed open the door, the i-banker appeared behind her and followed her in. “what are you doing?” she asked. “here, just come with me to the handicap stall. confused at first, she then thought that he wanted to have a quick makeout session, which she admitted was kind of hot, so he grabbed her hand and they locked the door behind them. she stood there waiting for him to kiss her, put his hand up her dress, anything but what happened next.
he retrieved a small baggy and key from his pocket and proceeded to take a bump of coke up each nostril and then handed it over to the lawyer. she looked at him in complete horror and could only muster up the line “i don’t even drink.” he put the baggie back in his pocket and then proceeded to pull out a glass pipe and crack rocks. CRACK ROCKS! at this point the lawyer’s life begins flashing before her. her she was, a woman who had passed the new york state bar, and she was in the handicap stall of the women’s bathroom at the palm with a guy smoking CRACK!
she exited the bathroom as quickly as she could to gather her belongings from the table which, to her dismay, had just been served her perfectly prepared medium-rare ribeye. knowing she still had to escape, she managed to get in two or three bites of the steak before telling him she had to go and ran in to the waiting arms of the nearest cab home.
she has not been back on match.com since.
and your i-banker is a crackhead.
i was against facebook for months, possibly years. i was convinced that i would be a die-hard myspacer for life. but once myspace turned into a haven for child fuckers and people with names like “Yu AyNt GiMMe WaT iWaNtEd SoO He WiLL” and “A_MAN_WIT_A_GUNN” who were requesting my friendship, i decided i’d had enough and joined the world of the late 20 to early 30 somethings.
i was late to the game and most everybody i knew had already joined so i decided to let my gmail account autosearch to find and pick out the people in my life to be my friends. there was 1 person, however, i had mixed emotions about requesting. he was a guy i had dated briefly soon after i moved to new york. he bruised my ego and introduced me swiftly to the “new york man.” actually there are several types of the “new york man” but he fell into the category of the guy who pursues the hell out of you initially and then kicks you to the curb once you let your guard down. you’re left to hopelessly ponder “why?” it’s a very ego-deflating and pride-crushing type of relationship.
to most, the obvious answer would be to never let a guy like that back into my life, especially through facebook where every single detail about his career and romantic relationships would be on full display for me to see. but the problem with this type of guy, is that because i never got an answer as to why the relationship ended, i’m obsessed with knowing. even if it means becoming his friend on facebook. so i sent the request.
he didn’t accept my request right away, but that’s to be expected of a guy like that. funny thing is, by him NOT accepting my request, he would look like he still cared, so because of his catch-22, i was accepted.
i got the request while i was out drinking with a friend one night. i was so excited at the prospect of being able to stalk my ex, i could hardly wait to get home. sure, i could have used my phone to get online and stalked him right there, but i felt this particular stalking deserved my undivided attention on a proper laptop.
i’m not sure what i expected to find. usually when one snoops, they inevitably end up either hurt, disappointed or both. i experienced an entirely different set of emotions. confusion and elation.
he was ugly. and fatter. and for a second i thought, possibly gay. did he always look about this way? had i been blinded by my lust? or had facebook allowed me to live out the fantasy that so many jilted lovers dream about? the ability to say HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
was it mature of me? no. but is facebook itself really mature? it’s a giant toy for people to brag about things in their life, announce upcoming events and stalk others. nothing more. 10 years ago if i had broken up with this guy, i would only get to fantasize about one day running in to him wearing my 4 inch heels, hair blowing in the wind, looking nonchalantly expensive and hot while buying a cup of coffee.
with facebook, i can just post that pic in his feed.
yesterday i picked up a copy of amNY on my way to the subway and came across a health article called “Bad Breakup? 5 steps to mend a broken heart. now i love amNY (they have the most accurate horoscopes around), and while i appreciate their attempt to prescribe “healthy” breakup advice via their free daily rag, it’s just the same regurgitated crap that i’ve heard a million times.
as someone who is currently going through an extremely bad breakup, i would like to offer “keshia’s 5 steps to mending a broken heart” mind you these 5 steps may only work for me and may result in death, coma, and/or other injury OR may result in the best rebound weeks of your life.
1. find the best dealer around. about 6 years ago a bunch of my gay boyfriends dragged me to a paula poundstone stand-up show. as a straight woman, that was probably one of the last places i would ever pay to be, but i will admit it, she was funny. at the time she was just making a come back from some very public personal problems with her demons, and she made the comment, referring to drugs, alcohol and depression, “i wake up and realize this is the best i’m going to feel all day and if something out there can make me feel better than i do right now, why wouldn’t i want it” and i agree.
2. find the best dealer around. i love to gamble. and blackjack is my game of choice. the last time i was in vegas i spent close to 10 hours at the same table and walked away with my first $1000 chip! there is nothing more empowering than kicking ass in a casino card game. go on a late sunday afternoon, or sometime during the week when you can find a $5 table. bring $200 and if you have rule # 1, bring that too, and play.
3. don’t hang around couples. at least for the first 3 weeks. nothing good will come from it. you will be bitter and everyone will know it.
4. date anything and everything. this is the hardest rule to follow because the truth is, when you are getting over someone you really like, everyone else just seems ugly and gross. you can’t imagine even kissing another person let alone sleeping with them. for the first 4 weeks, you may even find yourself not even looking men in the eye because you have lost all interest. but trust me LOOK UP. look any and all guys directly in the eye and actually smile. even if they aren’t your type, knowing that guys still want to bang you makes you feel instantly better, even if it’s only for a few minutes. refer to the quote in rule # 1 as to why this is important.
5. stay single girl ready at all times. it’s easy to let yourself go after a breakup. the waxes stop, the shaving may be less frequent, and you may start wearing a lot of flats, sneakers and boring clothes in general. as jacked as it is, when you go through a breakup it’s normal to start feeling like you are not sexually attractive to anyone anymore. but that is a lie. however if you aren’t ready to pounce on demand, you will lose a lot of opportunities to, as peaches puts it, fuck the pain away.
enjoy the video below. i’ve decided on the muppets version because, why not.
if you want to cheat on your boyfriend and have a threesome, don’t cheap out. get a hotel room or THIS could happen to you.