if you didn’t catch the premiere of basketball wives this past monday, then i instruct you to immediately go to VH1.com and enjoy 40 minutes of the evelyn show.
so many reality show women step in to their show with the sole intention of becoming the “queen bee,” the loudest and craziest bitch, but they do it all wrong and end up a hated villian that nobody likes (just ask erika from love and hip hop). evelyn understands how to be the right kind of mean girl. any woman who can call another woman a “non-mothaf*ckin factor” one season, and then have that same woman become her best ally by the next season, understands the art of being a lovable bitch. and for that i commend her because it is not an easy feat to accomplish.
so in honor of my bronx beauty, today i will wear my most neon eyeshadow, throw on my highest and flashiest heels, and only ride the 6 train even if it’s nowhere near the place i need to be.
tonight is the season premiere of “the hills” and i’ll admit it – i will be watching it! but that doesn’t mean i can’t hate them too. the daily beast got a hold of the reali-celebs contracts.
so while you’re slaving away in your cubicle for beer money and rent. check out what some rich parents, fake boobs, and a loose vagina will get ya…
Lauren Conrad – $125,000 per episode (her contract also stated that nobody on The Hills could make more than her)
Kristin Cavallari – $90,000 per episode
Heidi Montag – $100,000 per episode
Audrina Patridge – $100,000 per episode
Lo Bosworth – $100,000 per episode
Spencer Pratt – $65,000 per episode
Brody Jenner – $45,000 per episode
jessica the crazy bitch from scream queens
invest your time into the following reality tv shows, it’s the best stuff out there. i’ve summed each up as succinctly as possible:
the real housewives of atlanta – crazy black bitches from the south get knocked up by nba and/or nfl players and the new money has gone to their weave-alicious heads, they love mcmansions, gas guzzling SUV’s, fake hair, gossiping, shopping, and pretending to be do-gooders by throwing fundraisers
scream queens – reality show on vh1, hot chicks who are trying to be in the next SAW movie do fucked up horror movie challenges, crazy bitch jessica palette is the best crazy bitch on tv
paris hilton is my new bff – reality show on mtv, bitches who are dumber than paris actually think she is going to let them hang out with her
50 Cent: the money and the power – if the apprentice and i want to work for diddy took a bunch of steroids, got initiated into a gang, and had a baby hoodrat show – this would be it
i have pretty much given up on the hills, but i continue to watch because i’ve been invested since laguna beach days and feel i owe it to myself to see it all the way through. but last night’s episode actually made me think that all the good writers on the staff hadn’t quit.
in last night’s episode, whitney and lauren are sent to NY for men’s fashion week. last time whitney was there, she went out with this guy alex. he’s a male model, sort of cute, but really shy and awkward…kind of like a male version of whitney herself.
but this time out to NY, whitney isn’t totally feeling alex anymore and when the crew all go out to a show that night, whitney falls for the lead singer (some hot aussie who i would have blown in the bathroom given the chance)
alex has his laser eyes beamed on whitney the whole night, but whitney is a goner. she wants aussie dick only. at the end of the night alex tries to get whitney to come talk to him. she isn’t feeling it, and totally ditches him in the bar with his dick in his hand. it was the ballsiest move whitney has ever pulled in the last 4 or 5 or however many seasons of this vapid show, and i have to give her MAJOR props because i would have done the same thing. and have.
oh and a sidenote, spencer and heidi got their balls served back to them on a platter by heidi’s ex-boss who just fired her, so that too, made it a very worthy episode.
so rock on whitney port!!!
i just finished watching Beauty Queens Gone Wrong: 15 Pageant Scandals on E! and i’m not afraid to admit that it was a great way to waste 120 minutes. but it also left me a bit confused as to why the pageant world is so conservative.
almost every scandal that led to the dethroning of these girls was because they showed their private girly bits either in playboy, myspace photos, or the always regrettable home photos shot by the (now) ex-boyfriend.
i find it so funny however, that some our biggest celebs had their careers enhanced by sex tapes, nip slips and “britney” shots. celebs are way more influential than beauty queens. who the hell has even watched a pageant in the last 15-20 years!
i think the pageant world needs to get real and stop pretending that girls that compete in pageants are wholesome, virginal girls. they are hot chicks, who have probably been hot their entire lives and have been working it since they could crawl. as barack said “you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig”
but then again, if there were no rules to break, then great shows like beauty queens gone wrong couldn’t exist, so perhaps i’ll stop complaining.
the hot bitches of scream queens – click image above to enlarge
chance and real of real chance of love – click to image above to enlarge
VH1 had two new contenders. Scream Queens and Real Chance of Love.
i’ll start with the good first. LOVED LOVED LOVED Scream Queens. it’s 10 porn star looking girls who, for the next 8 weeks, have to get the living shit scared out of them through a series of challenges in order to win the coveted prize in the end….the starring role in SAW VI!!! last night each girl had to get nekkid, and do a scene in a bathtub where a snake slithers in to attack. please, if you do anything today, just watch that scene and you will have the best laugh you will have all day.
now with the bad. Real Chance of Love – SO BORING! which was a surprise. i watch all the “i love” shows that VH1 pumps out. Flavor of Love was amazing. Rock of Love was even better. i even didn’t totally mind I Love New York – from which Real Chance was bred. but this show could not hold my attention to save my life. i will of course DVR the entire season and try and give it another chance, but it’s not looking good so far.
the other day i was watching one of my other crack addictions – top design 2. a guy i know is friends with one of the contestants on the show and i’ve been hard pressed to find out if he won, so every time i see him i pester him. i saw him the other day and asked my usual question but this time the conversation got a bit more personal:
friend: “no, he still won’t tell me if he won. i’m just waiting for that preston to finally get kicked off.”
friend: “you know the really pretty, shiny guy.”
me: “oh yea. why?”
friend: “cause he has a tiny penis”
now, i can’t remember the conversation verbatim, but by the end of it i knew that allegedly at some point in time the two of these guys had met, schtuppted, and now had the stories to go along with it, and it made me realize why i could never be famous (or at least go on a reality show)
if there was a chance that even 1 in 5 of the guys i’ve banged could have something to say about my sack skills or physicalities that could embarrass me, true or not, those are odds i’m just not willing to take.
if you’ve never heard of aubrey o’day then we probably wouldn’t be friends. and not because i wouldn’t like you or you wouldn’t like me. it’s just the truth. but in a nutshell she is reality star who became a pop star through a reality show about creating a pop band. oh and it’s all orchestrated by p.diddy/puffy/puff/diddy/puff daddy/sean combs. simple.
well on tuesday night p.diddy/puffy/puff/diddy/puff daddy/sean combs decided on the finale of said reality show (making the band 4, season 3 if you care), that he wants to fire aubrey from the group (danity kane if you still care). was it because she couldn’t sing? no. because she couldn’t dance? no. was it because he wanted people to care enough to watch the show and be able to create a season 4 for his show? most likely. but the reason we were given for her sudden termination was basically – she’s a big gigantic slut who is ruining the image of the band.
now i know that this “reality” show in essence did its job. it got me riled up enough to watch more. but i would have been much happier if he had fired for any other reason than being a trollop. danity kane was a band created solely around how hot aubrey is. nothing else. when she was picked 1st to be in the band, it wasn’t because she was the best singer or dancer. it was because she was hot, had a sick body, and girls loved her just as much as boys did. the fact that this band had two # 1 albums was solely because she looked fucking hot in a white bikini. so to now use her sexuality against her to fire her is absurd.
don’t get me wrong. this is no pity party for aubrey. she is still a hot, blonde and in this country that can get your far. but i do empathize with the girl. so when she came on tv after the finale had aired to say she was tired of the slutty labels that people put on her, i had to side with her. p.diddy/puffy/puff/diddy/puff daddy/sean combs made a lot of money off of that “whore” and if he’s really the pimp that it seems he wants to be, then he shouldn’t retire his best horse from the track.
what really happened is the pimp got played. aubrey grew up and realized that sex sells everywhere, and she was able to get people other than p.diddy/puffy/puff/diddy/puff daddy/sean combs to pay for her goods. pimps don’t like when others make cash off their wares so he had to cut her loose to teach the other girls a lesson – “don’t fuck with my money”
aubrey is appearing on broadway now in the musical hairspray. i don’t know how long her run on the great white way will last, but at least she’s got a job. i hope one day, years from now, i run into her in the travel mini’s section of a target and get to ask her how big p.diddy/puffy/puff/diddy/puff daddy/sean combs dick really is.