Category Archives: life of the singledame

Recycling the Ex

Who said the past was in the past? Recycling the Ex

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you’re fat, ugly and probably gay. thank you facebook for letting me know.

i was against facebook for months, possibly years.  i was convinced that i would be a die-hard myspacer for life.  but once myspace turned into a haven for child fuckers and people with names like “Yu AyNt GiMMe WaT iWaNtEd SoO He WiLL” and “A_MAN_WIT_A_GUNN” who were requesting my friendship, i decided i’d had enough and joined the world of the late 20 to early 30 somethings.

i was late to the game and most everybody i knew had already joined so i decided to let my gmail account autosearch to find and pick out the people in my life to be my friends.  there was 1 person, however, i had mixed emotions about requesting.  he was a guy i had dated briefly soon after i moved to new york.  he bruised my ego and introduced me swiftly to the “new york man.”  actually there are several types of the “new york man” but he fell into the category of the guy who pursues the hell out of you initially and then kicks you to the curb once you let your guard down.  you’re left to hopelessly ponder “why?”  it’s a very ego-deflating and pride-crushing type of relationship.

to most, the obvious answer would be to never let a guy like that back into my life, especially through facebook where every single detail about his career and romantic relationships would be on full display for me to see.  but the problem with this type of guy, is that because i never got an answer as to why the relationship ended, i’m obsessed with knowing.  even if it means becoming his friend on facebook.  so i sent the request.

he didn’t accept my request right away, but that’s to be expected of a guy like that.  funny thing is, by him NOT accepting my request, he would look like he still cared, so because of his catch-22, i was accepted.

i got the request while i was out drinking with a friend one night.  i was so excited at the prospect of being able to stalk my ex, i could hardly wait to get home.  sure, i could have used my phone to get online and stalked him right there, but i felt this particular stalking deserved my undivided attention on a proper laptop.

i’m not sure what i expected to find.  usually when one snoops, they inevitably end up either hurt, disappointed or both.  i experienced an entirely different set of emotions.  confusion and elation.

he was ugly.  and fatter.  and for a second i thought, possibly gay.  did he always look about this way?  had i been blinded by my lust? or had facebook allowed me to live out the fantasy that so many jilted lovers dream about?  the ability to say HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

was it mature of me?  no.  but is facebook itself really mature?  it’s a giant toy for people to brag about things in their life, announce upcoming events and stalk others.  nothing more.  10 years ago if i had broken up with this guy, i would only get to fantasize about one day running in to him wearing my 4 inch heels, hair blowing in the wind, looking nonchalantly expensive and hot while buying a cup of coffee.

with facebook, i can just post that pic in his feed.

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life of the singledame: chapter 427

there are very specific times when i hate being single.


when everyone around me is in a relationship  (LAUREN, KIA AND I ARE GOING TO DINNER WITH JASON, CHRIS AND STEVE.  WANNA GO?)

and the WORST time to be single is when you have to kill something.  this is my horrific tale.

i decided to be an “adult” last night.  came home, did some yoga ball exercises, put dinner in the oven and started washing dishes.  all of these activities made me feel empowered, independent and like a true grown up.  and then it happened.

out from under the oven a tiny mouse scampers across my kitchen floor.

i did what any empowered, independent, grown ass woman would do.  screamed at the top of my lungs, ran to my bedroom and locked the door.

i endure horrible cramps every month.  i’ve changed the tire on a 6000 pound SUV, i even own a toolbox that handymen have told me they were jealous of.  but when it comes to bugs and rodents, i turn into a useless ball of goo, that runs and hides under the covers.  literally.

these weaknesses, however, are necessary because it’s important for a guy to be able to do things you can’t.  there’s no denying that the caveman “me: tarzan, you: jane, i take care of you” attitude is a major turn on.  no girl wants to be with a guy who she thinks can’t protect her.

and a sidenote to you guys.  i don’t care if you are with the strongest, most independent, scariest, loudest, no-nonsense bitch out there.  don’t take for granted that even she wants you to man up on those things that boys “should” do.  so even if things that  scare your girl, scare you just as much, if not more.  i suggest you fake it and fake it well, or she will find someone who can.

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i have A LOT of sex dreams.  and my sex dreams are so vivid and real, most often i wake myself up having an orgasm.  i can date my sex dreams/dreamgasms back to high school even.  and they are really the only dreams i can ever remember after waking up, even years later.

sometimes sex dreams are amazing, like when i dream about travis barker.  and sometimes they are scary.  but in the last month, a new type of sex dream has been recurring and it’s driving me mad.  the EX-SEX DREAM.

at least once a week for the past 4 weeks, i have been having the most mind-blowing sex with the guy i broke up with – in my dreams.  what makes these dreams even more frustrating is the fact that i slept with this guy for over two years, so in my dreams, he knows exactly what to do and then some.

i know there is nothing i can do to stop these dreams.  my subconscious will hopefully only play out these dream-porn sessions until they’ve been adequately replaced by a new interest.

the worst part though, is the constant soundtrack that has been playing in my head.  debbie gibson said it best HOWEVER having Fergie singing it live on Kids, Inc. (my most favoritest show in the whole wide world when i was a kid) makes everything way better

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the 5 REAL steps to mending a broken heart

picture courtesy of amNY

yesterday i picked up a copy of amNY on my way to the subway and came across a health article called “Bad Breakup?  5 steps to mend a broken heart.  now i love amNY (they have the most accurate horoscopes around), and while i appreciate their attempt to prescribe “healthy” breakup advice via their free daily rag, it’s just the same regurgitated crap that i’ve heard a million times.

as someone who is currently going through an extremely bad breakup, i would like to offer “keshia’s 5 steps to mending a broken heart”  mind you these 5 steps may only work for me and may result in death, coma, and/or other injury OR may result in the best rebound weeks of your life.

1.  find the best dealer around.  about 6 years ago a bunch of my gay boyfriends dragged me to a paula poundstone stand-up show.  as a straight woman, that was probably one of the last places i would ever pay to be, but i will admit it, she was funny.  at the time she was just making a come back from some very public personal problems with her demons, and she made the comment, referring to drugs, alcohol and depression, “i wake up and realize this is the best i’m going to feel all day and if something out there can make me feel better than i do right now, why wouldn’t i want it”  and i agree.

2.  find the best dealer around.  i love to gamble.  and blackjack is my game of choice.  the last time i was in vegas i spent close to 10 hours at the same table and walked away with my first $1000 chip!  there is nothing more empowering than kicking ass in a casino card game.  go on a late sunday afternoon, or sometime during the week when you can find a $5 table.  bring $200 and if you have rule # 1, bring that too, and play.

3.  don’t hang around couples.  at least for the first 3 weeks.  nothing good will come from it.  you will be bitter and everyone will know it.

4.  date anything and everything.  this is the hardest rule to follow because the truth is, when you are getting over someone you really like, everyone else just seems ugly and gross.  you can’t imagine even kissing another person let alone sleeping with them.  for the first 4 weeks, you may even find yourself not even looking men in the eye because you have lost all interest.  but trust me LOOK UP.  look any and all guys directly in the eye and actually smile.  even if they aren’t your type, knowing that guys still want to bang you makes you feel instantly better, even if it’s only for a few minutes.  refer to the quote in rule # 1 as to why this is important.

5.  stay single girl ready at all times.  it’s easy to let yourself go after a breakup.  the waxes stop, the shaving may be less frequent, and you may start wearing a lot of flats, sneakers and boring clothes in general.  as jacked as it is, when you go through a breakup it’s normal to start feeling like you are not sexually attractive to anyone anymore.  but that is a lie.  however if you aren’t ready to pounce on demand, you will lose a lot of opportunities to, as peaches puts it, fuck the pain away.

enjoy the video below.  i’ve decided on the muppets version because, why not.

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feeling down about a guy? 100% guaranteed remedy here

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i wonder if most men agree with this sentiment

last night while drinking my “man sorrows” away with a friend who sat patiently by my side and commiserated with me, the topic of being a crazy woman in a relationship came up.  we asked my friend’s brother what he thought and his response, “you’re all crazy, so why not just pick the best looking one.”  as screwed up as the thought is, i can’t say i disagreed with him.  do you think most men agree with this sentiment or do you think most men agree with the coasters?

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life of the singledame

one of the great parts of being single is how many things all the single women out there have in common.  there are two things that i believe most of the singledames (new term and i’m claiming it) would absolutely relate to me on:

a) our vibrators are never far from our reach in bed, if not directly under our pillow, and

b) since sex isn’t always a guarantee, we will bang all night when it does come around, and we love the feeling of being awakened by a rock hard penis poking us and saying he’s ready to go again.

these two singledame similarities led to a funny story that i felt i should share with you, even if just for a cheap laugh.

so i had been out in the city eating and boozing it up and was hoping for a possible booty call.  to my dismay the booty call did not come through so i cabbed it back home where i knew there were two definites waiting for me – a haagen dazs ice cream bar and “big red” my faithful dildo.

after all was said and done, big red took his spot in the bed and i passed out.

that night i was having strange dreams and a rather restless sleep that keep me tossing and turning.  around 3 AM i went to re-position and HELLO that familiar rock hard poke had found its way just slightly between my butt cheeks.  for a moment i was completely turned on and even remembering smiling to myself at the prospect of having middle of the night sex.  but that joy turned to sheer terror as i thought “WHO THE HELL IS IN MY BED?!”  so i quickly turned around to find out if i had drank more than i thought and wasn’t alone in that cab ride, and TA DA, instant relief, as i discovered the man looking for a quickie in the middle of the night was just good ol’ big red.

what a cheeky bastard he is.

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