Category Archives: oversexed & underserved

it will make you sqweel!

i love babeland.  any time i just happen to be walking by one, i can’t resist going in to see what new sex toys there are to play with.  such was the case the other day when i was on my way to drinks and walked by the SoHo location in NYC.  after playing with a few dildos and picking up a few skyn condoms (which are the best condoms ever, if you don’t remember me ranting my praises about them), i was heading to the checkout line when i saw, what looked like, a bad rocky horror picture show joke.

it was a hand-held sized wheel with tongue after tongue after tongue encircling it.  i immediately grabbed it and had to try it (against my hand, of course) and WOMP WOMP…so disappointed.  it felt like being licked by a rotating wheel of dry ass latex balloons.  the babeland sales associate standing closest to me noticed my disappointment and said “put a little lube on it.  trust me.”  so i did just that, and OMG it was like i had died and gone to cunnilingus heaven (still on my hand of course).

i knew i had to have it, and was shocked to learn that this pocket pussy licker is only $59.00!  i only had enough money that day to buy my happy hour drinks so knew i’d be back.  and good thing i waited, because according to babeland.com, buy a Sqweel during the month of may, and you’ll get 2 babeland condoms, and 2 entice lubettes for free!

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is there somebody for everybody?

after reading this most disturbing story this weekend about  72-year old grandmother, Pearl Carter of Indiana, who is having her 26-year old biological grandson’s baby!  i first supressed to urge to immediately vomit, then began thinking about how many “bizarre” relationships are out there, and how do these people find one another?

when you see “unbalanced” or “odd” couples walking down the street your reaction is usually (particularly if you’re single) why and how?  but then in a way it gives you hope.  hope that there IS somebody for everybody and that you will find somebody too.

this was the case in the story of juan baptista dos santo and blanche dumas.

juan was born with two penises.  two fully functioning penises.  (and also a third leg, but when a man has two penises, are you really looking at his third leg?)  this man, who literally was a tripod, is said to have used BOTH penises during intercourse and after finishing with one he would continue with the other. he apparently also had an insatiable sexual appetite.

blanche dumas was believed to have been born on the island of martinique in 1860.  she also had a third leg (thank god for immunizations), and in addition to her two regular boobs, she had two extra tits right above her vagina!  or should i say vaginaS!  she had two vaginas, each of which had developed equal sensitivity.  EQUAL SENSITIVITY!

ladies, just imagine your orgasm squared.  i’ll give you a moment.

so juan and blanche met in paris, had a most amazing love affair, and each had finally found a partner to satisfy their sexual needs.

lesson?  actually there are two.  never give up on love and don’t be too quick to judge those “bizarre” couples.  because for them, they may have finally found the perfect “fit.”

to read more about dos santo and dumas, check out cogitz.com and YES there are pictures!

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Filed under fetishes, oversexed & underserved, what's in the news today

dreamgasms

i have A LOT of sex dreams.  and my sex dreams are so vivid and real, most often i wake myself up having an orgasm.  i can date my sex dreams/dreamgasms back to high school even.  and they are really the only dreams i can ever remember after waking up, even years later.

sometimes sex dreams are amazing, like when i dream about travis barker.  and sometimes they are scary.  but in the last month, a new type of sex dream has been recurring and it’s driving me mad.  the EX-SEX DREAM.

at least once a week for the past 4 weeks, i have been having the most mind-blowing sex with the guy i broke up with – in my dreams.  what makes these dreams even more frustrating is the fact that i slept with this guy for over two years, so in my dreams, he knows exactly what to do and then some.

i know there is nothing i can do to stop these dreams.  my subconscious will hopefully only play out these dream-porn sessions until they’ve been adequately replaced by a new interest.

the worst part though, is the constant soundtrack that has been playing in my head.  debbie gibson said it best HOWEVER having Fergie singing it live on Kids, Inc. (my most favoritest show in the whole wide world when i was a kid) makes everything way better

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Filed under life of the singledame, oversexed & underserved, sex dreams

the 5 REAL steps to mending a broken heart

picture courtesy of amNY

yesterday i picked up a copy of amNY on my way to the subway and came across a health article called “Bad Breakup?  5 steps to mend a broken heart.  now i love amNY (they have the most accurate horoscopes around), and while i appreciate their attempt to prescribe “healthy” breakup advice via their free daily rag, it’s just the same regurgitated crap that i’ve heard a million times.

as someone who is currently going through an extremely bad breakup, i would like to offer “keshia’s 5 steps to mending a broken heart”  mind you these 5 steps may only work for me and may result in death, coma, and/or other injury OR may result in the best rebound weeks of your life.

1.  find the best dealer around.  about 6 years ago a bunch of my gay boyfriends dragged me to a paula poundstone stand-up show.  as a straight woman, that was probably one of the last places i would ever pay to be, but i will admit it, she was funny.  at the time she was just making a come back from some very public personal problems with her demons, and she made the comment, referring to drugs, alcohol and depression, “i wake up and realize this is the best i’m going to feel all day and if something out there can make me feel better than i do right now, why wouldn’t i want it”  and i agree.

2.  find the best dealer around.  i love to gamble.  and blackjack is my game of choice.  the last time i was in vegas i spent close to 10 hours at the same table and walked away with my first $1000 chip!  there is nothing more empowering than kicking ass in a casino card game.  go on a late sunday afternoon, or sometime during the week when you can find a $5 table.  bring $200 and if you have rule # 1, bring that too, and play.

3.  don’t hang around couples.  at least for the first 3 weeks.  nothing good will come from it.  you will be bitter and everyone will know it.

4.  date anything and everything.  this is the hardest rule to follow because the truth is, when you are getting over someone you really like, everyone else just seems ugly and gross.  you can’t imagine even kissing another person let alone sleeping with them.  for the first 4 weeks, you may even find yourself not even looking men in the eye because you have lost all interest.  but trust me LOOK UP.  look any and all guys directly in the eye and actually smile.  even if they aren’t your type, knowing that guys still want to bang you makes you feel instantly better, even if it’s only for a few minutes.  refer to the quote in rule # 1 as to why this is important.

5.  stay single girl ready at all times.  it’s easy to let yourself go after a breakup.  the waxes stop, the shaving may be less frequent, and you may start wearing a lot of flats, sneakers and boring clothes in general.  as jacked as it is, when you go through a breakup it’s normal to start feeling like you are not sexually attractive to anyone anymore.  but that is a lie.  however if you aren’t ready to pounce on demand, you will lose a lot of opportunities to, as peaches puts it, fuck the pain away.

enjoy the video below.  i’ve decided on the muppets version because, why not.

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Filed under dating in nyc, life of the singledame, oversexed & underserved, the rules of..., what's in the news today

life of the singledame

one of the great parts of being single is how many things all the single women out there have in common.  there are two things that i believe most of the singledames (new term and i’m claiming it) would absolutely relate to me on:

a) our vibrators are never far from our reach in bed, if not directly under our pillow, and

b) since sex isn’t always a guarantee, we will bang all night when it does come around, and we love the feeling of being awakened by a rock hard penis poking us and saying he’s ready to go again.

these two singledame similarities led to a funny story that i felt i should share with you, even if just for a cheap laugh.

so i had been out in the city eating and boozing it up and was hoping for a possible booty call.  to my dismay the booty call did not come through so i cabbed it back home where i knew there were two definites waiting for me – a haagen dazs ice cream bar and “big red” my faithful dildo.

after all was said and done, big red took his spot in the bed and i passed out.

that night i was having strange dreams and a rather restless sleep that keep me tossing and turning.  around 3 AM i went to re-position and HELLO that familiar rock hard poke had found its way just slightly between my butt cheeks.  for a moment i was completely turned on and even remembering smiling to myself at the prospect of having middle of the night sex.  but that joy turned to sheer terror as i thought “WHO THE HELL IS IN MY BED?!”  so i quickly turned around to find out if i had drank more than i thought and wasn’t alone in that cab ride, and TA DA, instant relief, as i discovered the man looking for a quickie in the middle of the night was just good ol’ big red.

what a cheeky bastard he is.

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Filed under life of the singledame, oversexed & underserved, the keshia k. diary, vibrators

put it in your mouth. right?

often times as a “sexpert” people start to believe that i’ve heard and done everything there is relating to sex.  and to be honest, at times i thought i had too.  however after an impromptu “girls’ night” recently, i discovered that there are things about sex that i had no idea about.

as most girls’ night outings do, the conversation turned to men and sex.  at one point in the conversation my friend made the statement “i’ve never had the taste of sperm in my mouth.” my other friend and i gave her a quizzical look and both wondered aloud how that is even possible.  she claimed that in all of her years of having sex (and let me mention there are A LOT of years), that she had never let a guy come in her mouth.  only once, she revealed, was a guy able to do it, and it was because it was a “surprise attack.”  luckily, she said, he ejaculated straight down her throat, bypassing all of her taste buds, so it was relatively harmless.

now while the revelation alone that there is a woman out there (and a friend of mine to boot) that had never tasted a man’s “special sauce” was mind-blowing enough, it still wasn’t the most shocking part of the conversation.

the three of us continued to discuss men and their penises, and eventually my “non-swallowing” friend threw out the rhetorical question “but really, is there a guy out there who doesn’t like getting blow jobs”  she and i chuckled and expected silence until we heard the words “well actually” utter from our other friend’s mouth.

“what?!?” “huh?!?” were the only words that could escape our mouths while she went on to explain how there is a guy out there who doesn’t want you to perform oral sex on him.  she had been in a serious relationship with the guy for quite a while, he cared about her a lot and in his mind she was “wifey.”  so because she was his “wife,” in a sense, he never wanted her to perform oral sex because he thought it was degrading and beneath her.

several questions were raised by this divulgment:

– does that mean a guy who always wants me to give him blow jobs doesn’t see me as “wifey” material?

– do i have to keep all the awesome BJ skills i’ve learned over the years under wraps until i have a ring on my finger?

and most importantly

– all guys really do love blow jobs, so if he isn’t getting them from me, where the hell is he getting them from?

while the first two questions are obviously a case-by-case basis depending on the guy and his opinions on the matter, i think it’s safe to say that the third question is easily answered with “if you aren’t licking his lollipop, somebody out there is”  one thing i have learned from men over these past several years is that even when they say something crazy like “blow jobs are degrading if my girlfriend is doing it” they can justify, (in their heads), why cheating on you to get said blow job, is ok.

bottom line – beware the man who pushes your mouth away.  because a mouth at play will probably keep the cheating at bay.  OK.

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according to the brits, jackie harris and i have slept with the entire world

roseanne-show1

there is a scene from the t.v. show roseanne, that i quote so often, that sometimes it feels like it happened in my own life.  it is a scene in which jackie, roseanne’s sister, and jackie’s husband, fred, decide to have the “numbers” talk.  it goes down like this:

Fred: How many men did you date before we met?

Jackie Harris: Well, do you mean dated at all, or dated seriously?

Fred: Well, oh, I mean seriously.

Jackie Harris: Okay, I have to say… just a few.

Fred: Good. It’s not that I mind if you slept with lots of guys…

Jackie Harris:[chuckles] Oh, well slept with!

Jackie Harris: [chuckles harder] Well…

Jackie Harris: [soberly] That’s not what you asked me.

Fred: No I guess it wasn’t.

Jackie Harris: [chuckling] Well, Fred, don’t worry… it’s not that many. I’d – I’d saaay – three a year.

Fred: Since you were, what, eighteen?

Jackie Harris: [thinks] Okay, we’ll go with that.

Fred: [looking shocked] Oh, oh wow.

Jackie Harris: [getting defensive] Well, Fred! It’s not *that* many! Three a year for 20 years is, 60 – wow.

Fred: Gawd… I don’t even *know* 60 people.

Jackie Harris: Well, I didn’t *know* all of them.

i thought of this episode once again this morning when i discovered the “sex degrees of separation” calculator on the website of the british chain, lloyds pharmacy.  to promote sexual awareness, this calculator helps you work out how many direct and indirect sexual partners you have had in the sense of possible exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.  it totals up the numbers based on your number of partners, then their previous partners, and their former lovers, and so on for six “generations” of partners.

the average british bloke claims to have slept with 9 people, while the average british lass puts her number at 6.3, giving an average of 7.65.  according to the “sex degrees of separation” calculator, that means the average brit has slept with 2.8 million people, directly and indirectly.

this is interesting, informative, and i’m absolutely a fervent promoter of safe sex and learning about sexual health.  HOWEVER, i have several problems with lloyds and it’s little calculator…

1. lloyds expects people to remember their number of sexual partners.  ok this may be an easy feat for some.  but for people like jackie harris, that’s hard to do.  if you’ve been sexually active for 10 years or more, trying to think back a DECADE to remember some horrible one-night stand is not easy.

2. after you are done feeling like a giant whore, and you’ve tallied all the possible notches in your bed post you can remember, you then have to know their ages at the time you boned them!  now if you’re like jackie harris, trying to come up with a number was traumatizing enough, let alone trying to figure out when their birthday is.

3. so let’s say you actually made it to step three, the calculation.  then i congratulate you!  because i didn’t.  actually it wasn’t that i didn’t, so much as i COULDN’T.  just like when one gets a new ferrari, i wanted to “open this calculator up” and take it for a ride.  so i entered my age, and put that i had slept with over 50 people (this is all in the name of science).  and THIS is the answer i got back:

We are unable to perform this calculation.

what is the point of putting that option on there if your retarded calculator can’t even multiply!

my only theory is that lloyds pharmacy is owned by some uptight prude who wants to make people like jackie harris feel like a prostitute!

damn you lloyds!

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