Category Archives: oversexed & underserved

different strokes for different folks

gimpy hand

last night while waiting on the subway to take me back to brooklyn, i saw the hottest guy walking towards me.  i, of course, did what most girls do – ran my fingers through my hair to make sure it was perfect, licked my lips to give them their shiniest and poutiest potential, and stood straight with stomach flattened and breasts poking forward with just a bit of cleavage showing to tempt his eyes.  he continued to manuever his way through the crowd and as he got close to me i was prepared to flash him the smile that never fails me.  but then i saw it.

he had a gimpy hand.  a tiny, underdeveloped, partially functioning, gimpy hand.

i then had to ask myself “am i the most hypocritical, vain bitch on earth?”  i am FAR from perfect.  yet i pride myself on the fact that i can take a man who would never think i was his type into thinking i am the most irresistable women he has ever met.  it’s actually one of my favorite things to do.  yet, when i saw this super hot guy on the subway platform i couldn’t get the picture out of my head of him trying to finger me with those tiny little fingers.

ok, yes that was a completely inappropriate thought for me to have for several different reasons.  a)  he would obviously use his good arm to finger me and b) he probably gets more ass than i do.  at the end of the day he was still gorgeous.  and one thing i’ve learned about men with disabilities, is that there is a woman out there who is dying to rush in and take care of him.  it’s in our nature.

what i learned about myself is that, as bitchy as it sounds, underdeveloped limbs is one disability that i don’t know if i have the balls to handle in a relationship right now.  BUT it also made me think about the several disabilities i could totally live with, and actually would love to get to experience!

paraplegics – when i saw the movie murderball i spent the next 6 months looking for a boyfriend in a wheelchair.  that movie completely turned me on.  the guys were super hot, athletic and loved the fact that their penises still worked.  there is this whole scene in the movie about how paraplegics do the deed.  some positions involve wrapping a towel around the women’s waist, some positions are just done right in the wheelchair.  all i remember is that a lot of those positions involved the woman being dominating and it totally turned me on.

blindness – i could totally date a blind guy, however i feel like this could backfire on me.  what if assholes, a.k.a. people like me, started saying things behind my back like “if he could see, he would totally not be with that bitch.”  harsh.  beyond the petty gossip that would occur, the only thing that would truly annoy me about dating a blind man is i would always have to drive!  i don’t drive.  that’s why i live in new york city.  a train or cab or my feet can take me anywhere i need to be.  i never have to worry about having a designated driver and i never have to pay insurance premiums.  it’s great.  so i guess the only caveat to dating a blind man, is that i would only date a blind man in new york city.

deafness – i love live music.  and from what i hear (no pun intended, but it’s fitting) so do deaf people.  they can feel the beats of the drum, the strums of the bass and can totally get into it.  and the best part of going to shows with my deaf boyfriend is we would never have to scream at each other over the music to hear each other.  i would obviously have to learn sign language and we could use that.  sign language would also make me bi-lingual which would look good on my resume.  however, the deaf world is pretty exclusive and may not let me in.  i watched an episode of cold case once where this deaf guy was dating a hearing girl, and his deaf friends were not having it and murdered his ass!

we all judge each other.  some people don’t date fat people, some people don’t date people of another race, some people don’t date people in a different social class.  it’s all the same.  right or wrong?  i don’t know.  i do know that there is a possibility to change ones mind.  who knows, perhaps if i hadn’t pre-judged the gimpy armed subway boy, and had bothered to flash that smile, we could have met and i could have changed my opinion.  or maybe he looked at me and thought “keep dreaming honey.  i am way out of your league”


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“some guys like ’em real stinky”


last night my friend and i ended up at a foot fetish party in the lower east side of manhattan.  i promised the owner i would keep the name of the club anonymous, so i will respect that.  now unfortuantely, because it was a wednesday night and i had planned to be at a dive bar, i was not exactly “foot fetish party” appropriate.  i had on ripped jeans, no pedicure and i had been wearing flip flops all day.  feet were not hot.  so i decided my friend should go into the VIP as my undercover agent and i would stay up front to get the scoop from the others.

we went to the bar across the street and cleaned her up, got her down to as little clothes as possible, and washed her feet in the bathroom sink.  we headed back and began our investigation.  the guys up front were far from attractive.  one guy who came up to talk to us was wearing one of those wolf shirts and a pair of narsty (yea i said narsty) sweatpants.  i, of course, had no time for his shenanigans, but the two eastern european “working girls” i was with were quick to make him feel like he was brad pitt.

working girl 1 – “oh what’s that on your shirt?”

narsty guy – “it’s a wolf”

working girls 1 & 2 – “OHHHH”

narsty guy – “but i really like tigers and black panthers the most”

working girls 1 & 2 – “oh yea”

narsty guy – “RRRRR” (makes a big cat roaring sound)

that was when i decided to move to a second group of girls, who were discussing how to make the most money from these guys.  the conversation was pretty standard (in the foot fetish financial world) until one of them started talking about the type of shoes she was wearing:

warren buffet foot fetish girl 1 – “yea, i didn’t even wear open toed shoes, so guys aren’t really knowing what to do”

warren buffet foot fetish girl 2 – “it doesn’t matter cause you’re so fucking hot”

warren buffet foot fetish girl 1 – “yea, but my feet are getting all sweaty and stuff”

warren buffet foot fetish girl 2 – “some guys like ’em real stinky!”

warren buffet foot fetish girls 1 & 2 – BIG SIMULTANEOUS LAUGHS FROM BOTH

after these two encounters, i felt that i had learned all i needed to about the world of “footies” and decided it was time to go, but i realized my friend had still not come back so i sat around texting and entertaining myself.  when she finally returned there was a different look in her eyes.  MY UNDERCOVER AGENT HAD GONE ROGUE AND LET A MAN MASSAGE HER FEET!  I knew I had lost her.  so I said my goodbyes, told her to make that rent and jumped on the subway back home.

but of course this morning I got all the details:

– she only made $20, because she talks so much that she actually ended up befriending most of the men she encountered and didn’t work it like I told her she should.

– there were NBA stars in the club paying to lick women’s feet.  goes with my theory that the rich get bored easily and always have to find something new to turn them on.

– this party is every week, and men actually come from hundreds of miles a way to hook up with their same favorites every time.

– 10 minutes of “making love” to a foot = $20 (Seems like a bit of a rip off to me)

– those Craigslists ads asking for women with pretty feet…yea that’s probably the promoter of this party look for new girls to “put on the track”

– according to at least 3 of the men she encountered, including the creator of this party, my friend has some of the prettiest damn feet around.

i’ll admit, even though i don’t want a guy wearing a wolf t-shirt licking my foot for 10 minutes, i can think of worse ways to pay the bills.  i think my friend has officially become a fetish fan and will be returning to more parties and of course, i will have to join her.  i will come prepared next time though, a fresh pedi, a pair of kick ass open toed shoes, and some crisco.

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5 fantasies you shouldn’t withdraw from your spank bank

Having a varied and exciting spank bank is crucial.  It’s handy for when you’re in a sex slump, and even handier when you are fucking a guy that you know is never gonna get you off on his own.  The imagination is a wonderful thing.  As a woman, I can sometimes just THINK myself into an orgasm from the dirty thoughts I have in my head.

Out of the number of imagined sex acts I pull from when I want to get off, I have several “go-to’s” that get me off quickly and I have a lot a highly evolved story lines that I usually save for my alone time with Big Red (AKA my vibrator for those of you who are new).

The problem is, sometimes these fantasies are so amazing, I think “Hey, I need to try that in real life, because if it can get my off like this alone in my bedroom, it has to be 100 times as great with skin to skin contact” And that is where everything falls to pieces.  That is why I thought it was important that I share the Top 5 Fantasies that should stay just that. (I’ll count down for effect)

5. Money shot to the face – The problem with this is two-fold.  Logistics and Clean-up.  The only time (that I can remember from recent memory) that I got a money shot, we were both super wasted and I don’t remember agreeing to it, but I guess we “decided” once he was about to come he would pull out and shoot a load on my tits and face.  But between having a super excited guy/penis who was a about to come on a pair of double D’s and the alcohol, most of his “special man sauce ended up my nose.  That was probably the least sexy I’ve ever felt during sex.  Having to get up and blow baby batter out of my nose made this sex act go right back in the vault for me.

4. Threesomes – This one I play devil’s advocate with a bit.  On one hand, I think in your late 20’s – early 30’s you could possibly have a successful threesome as you are usually much more comfortable with your body and sexuality.  But also, by that time you’ve realized that having an extra person in the bed is a lot of work!  You have to pull out all your fancy tricks for not just 1 but 2 people!  I think that is why most of us end up in threesomes in college. We don’t really know to do much, and sex is quicker. The whole experience is usually so bad though, it traumatizes or turns us off.  When it’s 2 guys you get tossed around like a rag doll and usually end up with a yeast infection from the overzealous fingering and pussy play.  When it’s 2 girls, somebody has to lick pussy.  It’s really lose-lose.  I prefer to keep my threesomes in my head – and it’s usually with 2 gay men oddly enough.

3. Sleeping with the BF’s BFF – When you have a long-term boyfriend you inevitably spend a lot of time with his friends.  It eventually gets to the point where you are so close, you sometimes even end up hanging out with his friends alone.  There is usually sexual tension, a crush develops, and before you know it, you are daydreaming and jerking off to your boyfriend’s best friend. That is fine.   It’s great actually. Things that are wrong always make for the best orgasms, but don’t sleep with his friend.  Even if you know that his friend will never tell, you will be forever paranoid that one night they’ll have one of those stupid, drunken guy fights that happen on boys night sometimes, it gets a little heated and then next thing he’s yelling out “and that’s why I fucked your bitch!” You don’t want to have paranoid thoughts about that.  Keep your pussy in your pants until you and your boyfriend break up.  Then feel free to fuck away.

2. The Fake Rape Fantasy – This one was hard for me to come to terms with, because in all honesty I love the fake rape fantasy.  However, when I tried with two different men to make this fantasy a reality, one never called me again, and the other just got freaked out by it 2 minutes into it and commenced to plain old fucking.  My theory – Guys are really scared of a girl actually calling them a rapist one day and so nothing about the idea of raping a girl they really like is a turn on.  And if it is, you may want to take a look at your guy’s psychological profile.  SLAM! – locked away in the spank bank.

1. Anal – Anal ALWAYS gets me off…in my head.  I think it goes along with my rape fantasy and the idea of being taken advantage of.  However anal in real life is just all around a bad idea. Now, I feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I haven’t actually had anal sex, but that’s not for lack of trying.  In college, I tried to let my boyfriend go there.  I don’t even think he got the head in before I was screaming “Hell to the No” The next day I went to do that thing that guys think girls don’t do (#2) and I screamed bloody murder!  My asshole hurt so bad and I hadn’t even done anything!  It was at that moment when I was forced to hold in a # 2 that I decided anal was a no-go forever and ever.

Now I’m not saying these rules apply to everybody obviously.  I want everyone to have as much sex in as many possible ways as they can.  But I do want to provide this a learning tool from me to you.   Maybe you have your own “Top 5 Never Evers” but whatever they are, just keep that spank bank locked!


Filed under anal, oversexed & underserved, penises, rape fantasy, the rules of..., threesomes, vibrators

the great ball debate – part 1


balls are weird.  period.

i’ve tried very hard to understand them.  but just can’t.  balls are distinctly a male thing.

i’ve spent several years perfecting my fellatio.  and after all that time, i truly do believe i understand the penis inside and out.  but when it comes to balls, i’ll admit it, i’m a little lost.  i know if i lick them, men like it.  and i know if i play with them, gently run my nails over them, juggle them around for a bit, etc. that generally, guys are pleased.  but when i see them up close and personal, all of that goes out the window because i really just don’t like them.

my last boyfriend had these super snug balls.  the skin fit nice and tight around them, and they were on the smaller side, so i could fit both of them comfortably in my mouth.  these were probably some of the best balls i’ve come across, but truly the only ones i could say i liked.

one guy i slept with recently, however, had so much “ball sack” to work with, i didn’t really know where to begin.  i mean they weren’t cisco adler big (nsfw & gag!) but they were pretty sufficient.  when i licked them, i felt like a kitten trying to bathe a lion, when i played with them, it felt like i had a pound of semi-melted play-doh in my hand, and there was no way in hell they were going to fit easily in my mouth.  so i abandoned the cause entirely and focused on what i do best…giving him the best head ever.  but i felt defeated.

some girls i know would say to me “who cares! i don’t even touch the balls.”  but that’s the problem.  that is probably why so many of us are clueless in the ball arena.  practice makes perfect.  but guys aren’t really giving us a level playing field to work with, because balls are so drastically different from guy to guy.  if a penis is small (it sucks) but when giving head you know how to change your tactics to make it work for you and deep throating is a cinch!  when a guy is too big (ha. i know) it’s even better because you have challenges and goals to achieve when faced with it.  but balls can have so many issues.  too small – creepy.  too big – terrifying.  too saggy – a mess.  missing one – you’re fucking lance armstrong.

i don’t have only bad things to say about balls though.  i’ll admit one of the best feelings in the world is getting slapped in the pussy with a set of balls while being plowed from behind doggy-style, but not every guy can do that.

then again, not every girl can bury an entire penis between her tits and make a guy come.  size does matter.

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the best condoms i’ve ever used


condoms suck. condoms are the reason you end up staying with an asshole 6 months longer than you should. condoms are the reason blow jobs don’t happen after they’ve been worn. condoms are the reason you chose your vibrator over that douchebag at the bar. but not anymore…because lifestyles has come through with an amazing invention – polyisoprene condoms.

latex is something that affects a lot of women. a lot of times we give up on the condoms because they irritate, dry you out and make sex just painful. so when i started seeing a new guy, the fear of having to use condoms again came creeping up. and the first time we had sex those fears came alive when we used bodega bought trojans. but his penis was big, his ass was perfect, and he fucked me hard, so i decided it was my mission to find the perfect condom and try again.

prior to the new guy, i had been banging the same guy for nearly 2 years, so condoms haven’t been something i’ve had to think about in a while. but i did remember from my prior condom history that i hate latex. it’s too thick, too irritating, and the taste they leave on a dick reminds me of a firestone tire (yes i love giving head). but i knew lambskin wasn’t an option because they don’t protect against std’s which is really the only reason i even use condoms (now that the morning after pill is available over the counter).

almost immediately i found it – SKYN by LifeStyles. as i read the box, all the promises seemed too good to be true…non-latex, the closest thing to wearing nothing, protects against std’s! i had to find out if it was the truth so i picked up my sampler 3 pack and headed on my way.

the box is not a lie. this condom is so much like skin, we had to check to make sure it was still on when things got really wet. and we fucked for extended periods of time and today my coochie is as soft and supple as it was before i was pile drived. condoms have come a long way.

and no, i wasn’t paid by LifeStyles to write this review. i’m sincerely just so happy i found a condom that i will actually use that i had to talk about it. but i’m not going to fake. nothing will ever compare to going bareback. ever.


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sex dreams gone wrong


last night i dreamed that i was dating the hottest guy. he had dark skin, blue eyes, black hair, model body, and may or may not have had some sort of accent – i can’t remember. anyways, he was totally sexy and i was into him, but i remember in my dream being super leary of him possibly being bi or gay because every once in a while i would catch a glimpse of his “gayness.” however he was so hot i was willing to overlook it.

then one day (which in dream world is like 4 seconds later) i left his house and was coming back because i forgot something, and i caught him getting his dicked sucked by a big black guy.

what the fuck does this dream mean?

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to kiss or not to kiss?


do i call that boy who is totally in love with me just so i can have a kiss at midnight tonight? he’s cute. but has a kid (and i DON’T date men with kids), he would pay for my drinks all night, but he sends me texts of broken english that i can’t stand… “wuz up” “wuz u doin” (i mean are a few extra letters really that fucking hard!)

or do i just hang out with my friends, most of whom are coupled up, but will give me that requisite “friendship kiss” at midnight so i don’t feel left out. at least they won’t annoy the hell out of me, they won’t expect a blow job at the end of the night, and their boyfriends will probably buy me drinks because their girlfriends, my friends, will tell them to.

the best new years kiss i’ve ever had was at a club in DC. i went out with my girlfriends and we were all single. i made out with the hottest australian (or possibly new zealander, who knows). he saw me, told me i was gorgeous, asked if he could kiss me, grabbed me, and if i’m remembering correctly he may have actually dipped me back, and laid one on me. after the kiss, i looked him in the eye, flashed him my signature smile, then ran away with my girlfriends before he could ruin the moment by asking for my name or my number. i was wearing my favorite fur vest (perhaps it was a good luck charm.)

so is it better to have a kiss that’s planned or to get one you never knew was coming? and where the fuck is that fur vest?


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