Category Archives: penises

put it in your mouth. right?

often times as a “sexpert” people start to believe that i’ve heard and done everything there is relating to sex.  and to be honest, at times i thought i had too.  however after an impromptu “girls’ night” recently, i discovered that there are things about sex that i had no idea about.

as most girls’ night outings do, the conversation turned to men and sex.  at one point in the conversation my friend made the statement “i’ve never had the taste of sperm in my mouth.” my other friend and i gave her a quizzical look and both wondered aloud how that is even possible.  she claimed that in all of her years of having sex (and let me mention there are A LOT of years), that she had never let a guy come in her mouth.  only once, she revealed, was a guy able to do it, and it was because it was a “surprise attack.”  luckily, she said, he ejaculated straight down her throat, bypassing all of her taste buds, so it was relatively harmless.

now while the revelation alone that there is a woman out there (and a friend of mine to boot) that had never tasted a man’s “special sauce” was mind-blowing enough, it still wasn’t the most shocking part of the conversation.

the three of us continued to discuss men and their penises, and eventually my “non-swallowing” friend threw out the rhetorical question “but really, is there a guy out there who doesn’t like getting blow jobs”  she and i chuckled and expected silence until we heard the words “well actually” utter from our other friend’s mouth.

“what?!?” “huh?!?” were the only words that could escape our mouths while she went on to explain how there is a guy out there who doesn’t want you to perform oral sex on him.  she had been in a serious relationship with the guy for quite a while, he cared about her a lot and in his mind she was “wifey.”  so because she was his “wife,” in a sense, he never wanted her to perform oral sex because he thought it was degrading and beneath her.

several questions were raised by this divulgment:

– does that mean a guy who always wants me to give him blow jobs doesn’t see me as “wifey” material?

– do i have to keep all the awesome BJ skills i’ve learned over the years under wraps until i have a ring on my finger?

and most importantly

– all guys really do love blow jobs, so if he isn’t getting them from me, where the hell is he getting them from?

while the first two questions are obviously a case-by-case basis depending on the guy and his opinions on the matter, i think it’s safe to say that the third question is easily answered with “if you aren’t licking his lollipop, somebody out there is”  one thing i have learned from men over these past several years is that even when they say something crazy like “blow jobs are degrading if my girlfriend is doing it” they can justify, (in their heads), why cheating on you to get said blow job, is ok.

bottom line – beware the man who pushes your mouth away.  because a mouth at play will probably keep the cheating at bay.  OK.

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5 fantasies you shouldn’t withdraw from your spank bank

Having a varied and exciting spank bank is crucial.  It’s handy for when you’re in a sex slump, and even handier when you are fucking a guy that you know is never gonna get you off on his own.  The imagination is a wonderful thing.  As a woman, I can sometimes just THINK myself into an orgasm from the dirty thoughts I have in my head.

Out of the number of imagined sex acts I pull from when I want to get off, I have several “go-to’s” that get me off quickly and I have a lot a highly evolved story lines that I usually save for my alone time with Big Red (AKA my vibrator for those of you who are new).

The problem is, sometimes these fantasies are so amazing, I think “Hey, I need to try that in real life, because if it can get my off like this alone in my bedroom, it has to be 100 times as great with skin to skin contact” And that is where everything falls to pieces.  That is why I thought it was important that I share the Top 5 Fantasies that should stay just that. (I’ll count down for effect)

5. Money shot to the face – The problem with this is two-fold.  Logistics and Clean-up.  The only time (that I can remember from recent memory) that I got a money shot, we were both super wasted and I don’t remember agreeing to it, but I guess we “decided” once he was about to come he would pull out and shoot a load on my tits and face.  But between having a super excited guy/penis who was a about to come on a pair of double D’s and the alcohol, most of his “special man sauce ended up my nose.  That was probably the least sexy I’ve ever felt during sex.  Having to get up and blow baby batter out of my nose made this sex act go right back in the vault for me.

4. Threesomes – This one I play devil’s advocate with a bit.  On one hand, I think in your late 20’s – early 30’s you could possibly have a successful threesome as you are usually much more comfortable with your body and sexuality.  But also, by that time you’ve realized that having an extra person in the bed is a lot of work!  You have to pull out all your fancy tricks for not just 1 but 2 people!  I think that is why most of us end up in threesomes in college. We don’t really know to do much, and sex is quicker. The whole experience is usually so bad though, it traumatizes or turns us off.  When it’s 2 guys you get tossed around like a rag doll and usually end up with a yeast infection from the overzealous fingering and pussy play.  When it’s 2 girls, somebody has to lick pussy.  It’s really lose-lose.  I prefer to keep my threesomes in my head – and it’s usually with 2 gay men oddly enough.

3. Sleeping with the BF’s BFF – When you have a long-term boyfriend you inevitably spend a lot of time with his friends.  It eventually gets to the point where you are so close, you sometimes even end up hanging out with his friends alone.  There is usually sexual tension, a crush develops, and before you know it, you are daydreaming and jerking off to your boyfriend’s best friend. That is fine.   It’s great actually. Things that are wrong always make for the best orgasms, but don’t sleep with his friend.  Even if you know that his friend will never tell, you will be forever paranoid that one night they’ll have one of those stupid, drunken guy fights that happen on boys night sometimes, it gets a little heated and then next thing he’s yelling out “and that’s why I fucked your bitch!” You don’t want to have paranoid thoughts about that.  Keep your pussy in your pants until you and your boyfriend break up.  Then feel free to fuck away.

2. The Fake Rape Fantasy – This one was hard for me to come to terms with, because in all honesty I love the fake rape fantasy.  However, when I tried with two different men to make this fantasy a reality, one never called me again, and the other just got freaked out by it 2 minutes into it and commenced to plain old fucking.  My theory – Guys are really scared of a girl actually calling them a rapist one day and so nothing about the idea of raping a girl they really like is a turn on.  And if it is, you may want to take a look at your guy’s psychological profile.  SLAM! – locked away in the spank bank.

1. Anal – Anal ALWAYS gets me off…in my head.  I think it goes along with my rape fantasy and the idea of being taken advantage of.  However anal in real life is just all around a bad idea. Now, I feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I haven’t actually had anal sex, but that’s not for lack of trying.  In college, I tried to let my boyfriend go there.  I don’t even think he got the head in before I was screaming “Hell to the No” The next day I went to do that thing that guys think girls don’t do (#2) and I screamed bloody murder!  My asshole hurt so bad and I hadn’t even done anything!  It was at that moment when I was forced to hold in a # 2 that I decided anal was a no-go forever and ever.

Now I’m not saying these rules apply to everybody obviously.  I want everyone to have as much sex in as many possible ways as they can.  But I do want to provide this a learning tool from me to you.   Maybe you have your own “Top 5 Never Evers” but whatever they are, just keep that spank bank locked!


Filed under anal, oversexed & underserved, penises, rape fantasy, the rules of..., threesomes, vibrators

penis or plastic?

just when you thought the dating pool couldn’t get any worse. plastic may be shrinking our guys wangs. dr. shanna swan of the university of rochester has been doing research on the incredible shrinking dicks.

the globe and mail reports:

Exposure of expectant mothers to phthalates, a common ingredient in many plastics, has been linked to smaller penis size and incomplete descent of testicles in their baby boys, according to a new research paper that found the chemical also appears to make the overall genital tracts of boys slightly more feminine.

The findings are sure to add more controversy to phthalates, a chemical that is added to polyvinyl chloride plastic to make it less brittle, and to many types of personal care products including fragrances, hair sprays and nail polish.

The research was conducted on children from three different areas of the United States, and found a strong statistical correlation between expectant mothers who had above-average levels of the chemical in their urine while pregnant and the feminizing effect on their sons.

Cosmetics often contain phthalates, but the chemical isn’t specifically mentioned because it is included in other listed items, such as fragrances.

Dr. Swan says she tries to buy phthalate-free cosmetics and doesn’t store or microwave food in plastic containers, among other steps, to minimize her own exposure.

this blows. as if guys really need to have an excuse for why we can’t feel them inside of us.

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