Who said the past was in the past? Recycling the Ex http://exm.nr/gCiAQC
Category Archives: the rules of…
yesterday i picked up a copy of amNY on my way to the subway and came across a health article called “Bad Breakup? 5 steps to mend a broken heart. now i love amNY (they have the most accurate horoscopes around), and while i appreciate their attempt to prescribe “healthy” breakup advice via their free daily rag, it’s just the same regurgitated crap that i’ve heard a million times.
as someone who is currently going through an extremely bad breakup, i would like to offer “keshia’s 5 steps to mending a broken heart” mind you these 5 steps may only work for me and may result in death, coma, and/or other injury OR may result in the best rebound weeks of your life.
1. find the best dealer around. about 6 years ago a bunch of my gay boyfriends dragged me to a paula poundstone stand-up show. as a straight woman, that was probably one of the last places i would ever pay to be, but i will admit it, she was funny. at the time she was just making a come back from some very public personal problems with her demons, and she made the comment, referring to drugs, alcohol and depression, “i wake up and realize this is the best i’m going to feel all day and if something out there can make me feel better than i do right now, why wouldn’t i want it” and i agree.
2. find the best dealer around. i love to gamble. and blackjack is my game of choice. the last time i was in vegas i spent close to 10 hours at the same table and walked away with my first $1000 chip! there is nothing more empowering than kicking ass in a casino card game. go on a late sunday afternoon, or sometime during the week when you can find a $5 table. bring $200 and if you have rule # 1, bring that too, and play.
3. don’t hang around couples. at least for the first 3 weeks. nothing good will come from it. you will be bitter and everyone will know it.
4. date anything and everything. this is the hardest rule to follow because the truth is, when you are getting over someone you really like, everyone else just seems ugly and gross. you can’t imagine even kissing another person let alone sleeping with them. for the first 4 weeks, you may even find yourself not even looking men in the eye because you have lost all interest. but trust me LOOK UP. look any and all guys directly in the eye and actually smile. even if they aren’t your type, knowing that guys still want to bang you makes you feel instantly better, even if it’s only for a few minutes. refer to the quote in rule # 1 as to why this is important.
5. stay single girl ready at all times. it’s easy to let yourself go after a breakup. the waxes stop, the shaving may be less frequent, and you may start wearing a lot of flats, sneakers and boring clothes in general. as jacked as it is, when you go through a breakup it’s normal to start feeling like you are not sexually attractive to anyone anymore. but that is a lie. however if you aren’t ready to pounce on demand, you will lose a lot of opportunities to, as peaches puts it, fuck the pain away.
enjoy the video below. i’ve decided on the muppets version because, why not.
last night while waiting on the subway to take me back to brooklyn, i saw the hottest guy walking towards me. i, of course, did what most girls do – ran my fingers through my hair to make sure it was perfect, licked my lips to give them their shiniest and poutiest potential, and stood straight with stomach flattened and breasts poking forward with just a bit of cleavage showing to tempt his eyes. he continued to manuever his way through the crowd and as he got close to me i was prepared to flash him the smile that never fails me. but then i saw it.
he had a gimpy hand. a tiny, underdeveloped, partially functioning, gimpy hand.
i then had to ask myself “am i the most hypocritical, vain bitch on earth?” i am FAR from perfect. yet i pride myself on the fact that i can take a man who would never think i was his type into thinking i am the most irresistable women he has ever met. it’s actually one of my favorite things to do. yet, when i saw this super hot guy on the subway platform i couldn’t get the picture out of my head of him trying to finger me with those tiny little fingers.
ok, yes that was a completely inappropriate thought for me to have for several different reasons. a) he would obviously use his good arm to finger me and b) he probably gets more ass than i do. at the end of the day he was still gorgeous. and one thing i’ve learned about men with disabilities, is that there is a woman out there who is dying to rush in and take care of him. it’s in our nature.
what i learned about myself is that, as bitchy as it sounds, underdeveloped limbs is one disability that i don’t know if i have the balls to handle in a relationship right now. BUT it also made me think about the several disabilities i could totally live with, and actually would love to get to experience!
paraplegics – when i saw the movie murderball i spent the next 6 months looking for a boyfriend in a wheelchair. that movie completely turned me on. the guys were super hot, athletic and loved the fact that their penises still worked. there is this whole scene in the movie about how paraplegics do the deed. some positions involve wrapping a towel around the women’s waist, some positions are just done right in the wheelchair. all i remember is that a lot of those positions involved the woman being dominating and it totally turned me on.
blindness – i could totally date a blind guy, however i feel like this could backfire on me. what if assholes, a.k.a. people like me, started saying things behind my back like “if he could see, he would totally not be with that bitch.” harsh. beyond the petty gossip that would occur, the only thing that would truly annoy me about dating a blind man is i would always have to drive! i don’t drive. that’s why i live in new york city. a train or cab or my feet can take me anywhere i need to be. i never have to worry about having a designated driver and i never have to pay insurance premiums. it’s great. so i guess the only caveat to dating a blind man, is that i would only date a blind man in new york city.
deafness – i love live music. and from what i hear (no pun intended, but it’s fitting) so do deaf people. they can feel the beats of the drum, the strums of the bass and can totally get into it. and the best part of going to shows with my deaf boyfriend is we would never have to scream at each other over the music to hear each other. i would obviously have to learn sign language and we could use that. sign language would also make me bi-lingual which would look good on my resume. however, the deaf world is pretty exclusive and may not let me in. i watched an episode of cold case once where this deaf guy was dating a hearing girl, and his deaf friends were not having it and murdered his ass!
we all judge each other. some people don’t date fat people, some people don’t date people of another race, some people don’t date people in a different social class. it’s all the same. right or wrong? i don’t know. i do know that there is a possibility to change ones mind. who knows, perhaps if i hadn’t pre-judged the gimpy armed subway boy, and had bothered to flash that smile, we could have met and i could have changed my opinion. or maybe he looked at me and thought “keep dreaming honey. i am way out of your league”
Having a varied and exciting spank bank is crucial. It’s handy for when you’re in a sex slump, and even handier when you are fucking a guy that you know is never gonna get you off on his own. The imagination is a wonderful thing. As a woman, I can sometimes just THINK myself into an orgasm from the dirty thoughts I have in my head.
Out of the number of imagined sex acts I pull from when I want to get off, I have several “go-to’s” that get me off quickly and I have a lot a highly evolved story lines that I usually save for my alone time with Big Red (AKA my vibrator for those of you who are new).
The problem is, sometimes these fantasies are so amazing, I think “Hey, I need to try that in real life, because if it can get my off like this alone in my bedroom, it has to be 100 times as great with skin to skin contact” And that is where everything falls to pieces. That is why I thought it was important that I share the Top 5 Fantasies that should stay just that. (I’ll count down for effect)
5. Money shot to the face – The problem with this is two-fold. Logistics and Clean-up. The only time (that I can remember from recent memory) that I got a money shot, we were both super wasted and I don’t remember agreeing to it, but I guess we “decided” once he was about to come he would pull out and shoot a load on my tits and face. But between having a super excited guy/penis who was a about to come on a pair of double D’s and the alcohol, most of his “special man sauce ended up my nose. That was probably the least sexy I’ve ever felt during sex. Having to get up and blow baby batter out of my nose made this sex act go right back in the vault for me.
4. Threesomes – This one I play devil’s advocate with a bit. On one hand, I think in your late 20’s – early 30’s you could possibly have a successful threesome as you are usually much more comfortable with your body and sexuality. But also, by that time you’ve realized that having an extra person in the bed is a lot of work! You have to pull out all your fancy tricks for not just 1 but 2 people! I think that is why most of us end up in threesomes in college. We don’t really know to do much, and sex is quicker. The whole experience is usually so bad though, it traumatizes or turns us off. When it’s 2 guys you get tossed around like a rag doll and usually end up with a yeast infection from the overzealous fingering and pussy play. When it’s 2 girls, somebody has to lick pussy. It’s really lose-lose. I prefer to keep my threesomes in my head – and it’s usually with 2 gay men oddly enough.
3. Sleeping with the BF’s BFF – When you have a long-term boyfriend you inevitably spend a lot of time with his friends. It eventually gets to the point where you are so close, you sometimes even end up hanging out with his friends alone. There is usually sexual tension, a crush develops, and before you know it, you are daydreaming and jerking off to your boyfriend’s best friend. That is fine. It’s great actually. Things that are wrong always make for the best orgasms, but don’t sleep with his friend. Even if you know that his friend will never tell, you will be forever paranoid that one night they’ll have one of those stupid, drunken guy fights that happen on boys night sometimes, it gets a little heated and then next thing he’s yelling out “and that’s why I fucked your bitch!” You don’t want to have paranoid thoughts about that. Keep your pussy in your pants until you and your boyfriend break up. Then feel free to fuck away.
2. The Fake Rape Fantasy – This one was hard for me to come to terms with, because in all honesty I love the fake rape fantasy. However, when I tried with two different men to make this fantasy a reality, one never called me again, and the other just got freaked out by it 2 minutes into it and commenced to plain old fucking. My theory – Guys are really scared of a girl actually calling them a rapist one day and so nothing about the idea of raping a girl they really like is a turn on. And if it is, you may want to take a look at your guy’s psychological profile. SLAM! – locked away in the spank bank.
1. Anal – Anal ALWAYS gets me off…in my head. I think it goes along with my rape fantasy and the idea of being taken advantage of. However anal in real life is just all around a bad idea. Now, I feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I haven’t actually had anal sex, but that’s not for lack of trying. In college, I tried to let my boyfriend go there. I don’t even think he got the head in before I was screaming “Hell to the No” The next day I went to do that thing that guys think girls don’t do (#2) and I screamed bloody murder! My asshole hurt so bad and I hadn’t even done anything! It was at that moment when I was forced to hold in a # 2 that I decided anal was a no-go forever and ever.
Now I’m not saying these rules apply to everybody obviously. I want everyone to have as much sex in as many possible ways as they can. But I do want to provide this a learning tool from me to you. Maybe you have your own “Top 5 Never Evers” but whatever they are, just keep that spank bank locked!
drunk dialing has never been cool. yea, everyone has done it. everyone has had it done to them. but you never feel good about yourself the next day. sex texting, or as i like to call it “sexting” is amazing for many reasons, and one being that you don’t even have to be drunk to initiate or enjoy it. that is why sexting is my favorite extracurricular activity.
drunk dialing is done out of neediness and desperation to reach out and say something that you would never say sober, to someone you wouldn’t have the balls to call without 7 dirty martinis in you. it’s pathetic. but sexting is about getting what you want, and allows you to open up even more without being embarrassed, as you would be during an actual phone conversation. any time you are horny, a simple 10 minute sexting conversation can give you enough spank bank material to last for weeks and everyone is happy, horny, and looking forward to doing it again.
sexting does have a few rules however:
1. sexting works best with people who get your panties wet just thinking about them. trying to have a conversation that builds into a tawdry tête-à-tête never works. you need that person who you can send that initial potty mouth line to right off the bat. for example: from a sexting convo i had last night “i’m horny” yea, it’s simple and crude, but it works and he knows exactly what’s about to go down. which leads to my second rule…
2. there is no time for small talk in sexting. it should be like pound me, angry sex. every message sent is trying to top the previous one. you say “i want my heels to touch my ears you are fucking me so hard” he says “i want to pull out in come in your mouth” you say “i want to swallow your come while sticking my finger up your ass” these are all things that may or may not go down if and when you actually see each other, but they are all things that sound good in fantasy world, and that’s where it counts
3. don’t get talked into having an actual phone conversation or masturbating while sexting. sexting is not about actual sex. at least not at that particular moment in time. it’s about creating the most amount of sexual tension and buildup that two people possibly can and then using that material to have solo sessions later. trying to make it into actual “sex” just makes it awkward and uncomfortable for everybody and then comes under the category of drunk dialing.
4. lastly, sending pictures is absolutely not necessary if you are sexting right. there should be plenty of visuals created through your words. but if you feel the need to be friskier than usual…only send, what i call, “illusion” pictures. a picture of just your shoulder with the bra strap falling off, or your sexy undies hanging off the end of your foot, maybe even a little cleave pushed together. very obscure things that don’t really show anything (most importantly not your face).
these 4 simple rules should be enough to get you started. i, however, am now going to re-read my sext messages from last night and have a quickie solo session before i start my day.