i have a wedding to go to this saturday and am very excited. i love getting dressed up, drinking champagne, and figuring out which groomsmen or out of town visitor i want to fuck silly that night so that i can enjoy what the single life has to offer, while simultaneously burying the pain that i’ve never even been close to being married and won’t be for a while.
but as the wedding approaches, and i think about how i can use it to get freaky with a stranger, i can’t help but think about the sex the newly wed couple will be having on their wedding night. this couple is anything but conservative. they are both tatted up, foul-mouthed, whiskey swilling, all black wearing, bar slingers. think a suicide girl meets pete doherty. but on saturday i will be seeing a whole new side of the two of them. she, all dressed in white, he, all suited up. and for 30 minutes while they stand in front of that priest, they will be like the two most precious angels on earth.
but when they get back to the hotel room, and strip off that wedding dress, all that stress from wedding planning, dealing with guests, and realizing that “holy shit, you and i are together forever” will come to a head and they are gonna wanna bang all that tension out. but even in this day and age where people live together for years, i have to imagine that it would feel strange if your new husband just pulled up your wedding dress, and starting laying pipe to you doggie-style. actually, to me that sounds kind of hot even as i just write it, but i’m also not the best candidate for marriage.
but seriously, while i understand that making sweet, sweet love til the morning comes, isn’t how a lot of people spend their wedding night, i’ve decided to make my own list of acceptable vs. questionable sex positions on your wedding night:
- missionary – obviously good. eye to eye contact
- woman on top – as long as you are facing him OK. if you turn around and get into reverse cowgirl, it starts getting questionable
- up against the wall – TOTALLY ALL GOOD. actually i envision my future husband carrying me over the threshold of our rented apartment and immediately throwing me up against the wall and plowing me right there in the living room. i am a traditionalist about some things.
- doggie – while this is my FAVORITE position in the whole wide world, i just think it’s too sketchy for a wedding night position
- 69 – (see doggie above)
- blow jobs – hmmm…i’m actually stuck on this one. i can’t even think of starting to fuck without first blowing a guy, but it is questionable.
- cunnilingus – this i have no problem with and should definitely happen. going down on a girl just isn’t as dirty as going down on a guy. i don’t know why, it just isn’t.
- sex on household objects (kitchen counters, washing machines, etc.) YES YES YES. i picture the newlywed life as a lot of sneaking up and fucking you, throwing you around and fucking you, doing other things and stopping to fuck. i want to be a newlywed. and actually if you are having sex on household objects (i.e. you are bent over the counter) and he takes you from behind, i then don’t have a problem with that. only actual on-all-fours doggie is just not kosher.
now let’s be realistic, that should leave one with plenty of ways to do it on their wedding night. and if you are like a lot of couples who don’t even have sex on their wedding night because they are too exhausted, then this wouldn’t even apply to you. but if you have to have sex on your wedding night, just save the on-your-knees blow jobs, and him-on-top 69ing for the honeymoon.