Tag Archives: news

according to the brits, jackie harris and i have slept with the entire world

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there is a scene from the t.v. show roseanne, that i quote so often, that sometimes it feels like it happened in my own life.  it is a scene in which jackie, roseanne’s sister, and jackie’s husband, fred, decide to have the “numbers” talk.  it goes down like this:

Fred: How many men did you date before we met?

Jackie Harris: Well, do you mean dated at all, or dated seriously?

Fred: Well, oh, I mean seriously.

Jackie Harris: Okay, I have to say… just a few.

Fred: Good. It’s not that I mind if you slept with lots of guys…

Jackie Harris:[chuckles] Oh, well slept with!

Jackie Harris: [chuckles harder] Well…

Jackie Harris: [soberly] That’s not what you asked me.

Fred: No I guess it wasn’t.

Jackie Harris: [chuckling] Well, Fred, don’t worry… it’s not that many. I’d – I’d saaay – three a year.

Fred: Since you were, what, eighteen?

Jackie Harris: [thinks] Okay, we’ll go with that.

Fred: [looking shocked] Oh, oh wow.

Jackie Harris: [getting defensive] Well, Fred! It’s not *that* many! Three a year for 20 years is, 60 – wow.

Fred: Gawd… I don’t even *know* 60 people.

Jackie Harris: Well, I didn’t *know* all of them.

i thought of this episode once again this morning when i discovered the “sex degrees of separation” calculator on the website of the british chain, lloyds pharmacy.  to promote sexual awareness, this calculator helps you work out how many direct and indirect sexual partners you have had in the sense of possible exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.  it totals up the numbers based on your number of partners, then their previous partners, and their former lovers, and so on for six “generations” of partners.

the average british bloke claims to have slept with 9 people, while the average british lass puts her number at 6.3, giving an average of 7.65.  according to the “sex degrees of separation” calculator, that means the average brit has slept with 2.8 million people, directly and indirectly.

this is interesting, informative, and i’m absolutely a fervent promoter of safe sex and learning about sexual health.  HOWEVER, i have several problems with lloyds and it’s little calculator…

1. lloyds expects people to remember their number of sexual partners.  ok this may be an easy feat for some.  but for people like jackie harris, that’s hard to do.  if you’ve been sexually active for 10 years or more, trying to think back a DECADE to remember some horrible one-night stand is not easy.

2. after you are done feeling like a giant whore, and you’ve tallied all the possible notches in your bed post you can remember, you then have to know their ages at the time you boned them!  now if you’re like jackie harris, trying to come up with a number was traumatizing enough, let alone trying to figure out when their birthday is.

3. so let’s say you actually made it to step three, the calculation.  then i congratulate you!  because i didn’t.  actually it wasn’t that i didn’t, so much as i COULDN’T.  just like when one gets a new ferrari, i wanted to “open this calculator up” and take it for a ride.  so i entered my age, and put that i had slept with over 50 people (this is all in the name of science).  and THIS is the answer i got back:

We are unable to perform this calculation.

what is the point of putting that option on there if your retarded calculator can’t even multiply!

my only theory is that lloyds pharmacy is owned by some uptight prude who wants to make people like jackie harris feel like a prostitute!

damn you lloyds!

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hofstra university gang rape is a fake

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remember how i said men hate rape fantasies?  this little girl above is exactly the reason why.

the crazy bitch from hofstra university claimed to have been gang-raped by 5 men about 4 days ago.  i remember reading the story and being horrified.  now according to the ny post, she made the entire thing up.  she claims she didn’t want her fellow students and her new boyfriend to think she was a whore.  4 teenage kids spent days in jail with angry, horny, incarcerated men thinking they were gang rapists.  and the only reason the bitch came clean with the truth is because one of the guys allegedly captured the whole consensual ordeal on his cell phone video.  the nutjob has been suspended from the university and the kid who had originally been suspended is in the process of being reinstated.  i have just 2 things to say about this.

a) if you are a whore, own it.

b) those guys are going to videotape every sexual encounter they ever have again, that is once their dicks are over this trauma and they are actually in the mood to fuck again.

sad.

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relationship or not…this is exactly why i will never change my “status” on facebook

chef-knife-bigpeople love to post their relationship status on facebook. some do it for attention, some do it to mark their territory, others are just really insecure about their relationship and use it as self-validation, and some really  are just so in love and want the world to know it. i am not one of those people. there are several reasons for this (one being because if we break up, i really don’t want the world writing words of inspiration and well wishes on my wall.) THIS story however, provided me with an additional reason why I will never establish a relationship status online.

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the prostitute, her boyfriend, her john, and that out of control plastic bag

plasticbag

which is worse?

a prostitute whose boyfriend hangs out in the other room while she bangs men for money?

a man who says he tried to take back the money he just paid to have sex with the prostitute?

or that same man saying that when he tried to take the money back, he wasn’t trying to suffocate the prostitute, he was simply holding out a plastic bag when she accidentally walked in to it?

you decide.  from the news.com.au:

Prostitute ‘put head in bag by mistake’

A MAN who tried to suffocate a prostitute told police the woman accidentally put her head inside the plastic bag.

The Supreme Court in Brisbane was told on Monday 22-year-old Dirk Antoni Van Den Brand had tried to suffocate the 37-year-old woman at her Brisbane home in September last year.

Prosecutor Michael Lahane said Van Den Brand slipped the plastic bag over the woman’s head and tightened his hands around her neck as she escorted him to the door.

Mr Lahane said his plan was to render her unconscious so he could steal back the $100 he had paid for sex just minutes earlier.

The court was told his plan was foiled when she screamed for her boyfriend, who emerged from another room and held Van Den Brand until police arrived.

Mr Lahane said Van Den Brand told police he had arrived at the woman’s apartment with sex aids in the plastic bag.

He said as he was going to leave he had simply been holding the open plastic bag at her head level, and the woman had turned and accidentally walked into it.

Van Den Brand said the woman panicked and struggled, and then he was unfairly assaulted by her boyfriend.

He had visited the same prostitute twice before, on one occasion pushing her in an attempt to get her to lie down, even though he had no money.

Justice James Douglas rejected Mr Kent’s submission for Van Den Brand’s immediate release, saying the offence was a “very serious” one that required a deterrent sentence.

He sentenced Van Den Brand to two years’ jail on a charge of disabling to commit an indictable offence and ordered he be released on parole in June next year.

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kissing gone wild

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last month on my birthday i made out with a somewhat violent, overpowering kisser (see birthday = bootay for more details).  at the time i was totally turned on by it, because typically men expect me to take the lead and be the aggressive one in the relationship. but after reading this story about a women who lost her hearing after some over-the-top, extreme kissing from her guy, i’m thinking i should continue to wear the pants from now on.

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the incredible shrinking dick

viennasausages

one of the 1st things i ever wrote on this blog was an entry called penis or plastic?. it was about a study that showed the chemicals in certain plastic products were shrinking the genitals on newborn males.

well the shrinking penis phenomenon is only getting worse.

from the independent:

It’s official: Men really are the weaker sex

Evolution is being distorted by pollution, which damages genitals and the ability to father offspring, says new study. Geoffrey Lean reports.

The male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife, startling scientific research from around the world reveals.

The research – to be detailed tomorrow in the most comprehensive report yet published – shows that a host of common chemicals is feminising males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people.

for the complete article, click here

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WORST CONTEST EVER!!!

an organization in Atlanta, GA by the name of Marriage Appreciation Training Uplifting Relationship Education, is having a contest entitled “Marriage for a Lifetime.” a bride and groom have to submit a 600 word essay and they can win a $10,000 wedding. sounds awesome right! WRONG.

in order to win the contest, you must be a couple who has not engaged in premarital sex.

how many entries has this contest received? ZERO.

the idea that this organization wants you to have a LIFETIME of marriage with someone, yet doesn’t want you to even see what they are working with down there is absolutely ridiculous.

and besides, $10,000 for a wedding isn’t even that much. i’ve known chicks who have spent 10K on the dress alone.

the deadline for this contest is October 31st, just over a week away, and the fact that they have not seen a single entry makes me laugh. and of course the organization is freaking out and is now inclined to “relax” the rules a bit to get some entries.

Phillippia Faust, director of an abstinence education program for Rockdale, DeKalb and Newton counties, was quoted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution saying:

“Couples engaging in sex can still qualify but they must acknowledge, “The right choice is probably not to have had done it.”

SCARY.

however, couples who are living together are still BANNED from the contest because apparently that is just beyond unacceptable.

OH, and did I mention that in addition to remaining sex-free for this contest, the winning couple must also agree to a DRY, i’m talking completely alcohol-free wedding! AND, you must undergo premarital education, AND you must agree to open up the ceremony to the PUBLIC!!!

this organization is clearly living in 1975 when $10,000 meant something. you can apply to be on a reality tv show and walk away with more dough than that AND less terms.

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