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is it weird to 69 on your wedding night?

i have a wedding to go to this saturday and am very excited. i love getting dressed up, drinking champagne, and figuring out which groomsmen or out of town visitor i want to fuck silly that night so that i can enjoy what the single life has to offer, while simultaneously burying the pain that i’ve never even been close to being married and won’t be for a while.

but as the wedding approaches, and i think about how i can use it to get freaky with a stranger, i can’t help but think about the sex the newly wed couple will be having on their wedding night. this couple is anything but conservative. they are both tatted up, foul-mouthed, whiskey swilling, all black wearing, bar slingers. think a suicide girl meets pete doherty. but on saturday i will be seeing a whole new side of the two of them. she, all dressed in white, he, all suited up. and for 30 minutes while they stand in front of that priest, they will be like the two most precious angels on earth.

but when they get back to the hotel room, and strip off that wedding dress, all that stress from wedding planning, dealing with guests, and realizing that “holy shit, you and i are together forever” will come to a head and they are gonna wanna bang all that tension out. but even in this day and age where people live together for years, i have to imagine that it would feel strange if your new husband just pulled up your wedding dress, and starting laying pipe to you doggie-style. actually, to me that sounds kind of hot even as i just write it, but i’m also not the best candidate for marriage.

but seriously, while i understand that making sweet, sweet love til the morning comes, isn’t how a lot of people spend their wedding night, i’ve decided to make my own list of acceptable vs. questionable sex positions on your wedding night:

  • missionary – obviously good. eye to eye contact
  • woman on top – as long as you are facing him OK. if you turn around and get into reverse cowgirl, it starts getting questionable
  • up against the wall – TOTALLY ALL GOOD. actually i envision my future husband carrying me over the threshold of our rented apartment and immediately throwing me up against the wall and plowing me right there in the living room. i am a traditionalist about some things.
  • doggie – while this is my FAVORITE position in the whole wide world, i just think it’s too sketchy for a wedding night position
  • 69 – (see doggie above)
  • blow jobs – hmmm…i’m actually stuck on this one. i can’t even think of starting to fuck without first blowing a guy, but it is questionable.
  • cunnilingus – this i have no problem with and should definitely happen. going down on a girl just isn’t as dirty as going down on a guy. i don’t know why, it just isn’t.
  • sex on household objects (kitchen counters, washing machines, etc.) YES YES YES. i picture the newlywed life as a lot of sneaking up and fucking you, throwing you around and fucking you, doing other things and stopping to fuck. i want to be a newlywed. and actually if you are having sex on household objects (i.e. you are bent over the counter) and he takes you from behind, i then don’t have a problem with that. only actual on-all-fours doggie is just not kosher.

now let’s be realistic, that should leave one with plenty of ways to do it on their wedding night. and if you are like a lot of couples who don’t even have sex on their wedding night because they are too exhausted, then this wouldn’t even apply to you. but if you have to have sex on your wedding night, just save the on-your-knees blow jobs, and him-on-top 69ing for the honeymoon.

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Filed under oversexed & underserved, wedding sex

deny deny deny and the rules of co-worker copulation

my friend has been having a secret sex with one of the guys from her office. really not a big deal, except that he carries a pretty important position in the place. he’s not her boss, but he’s just a big deal and it would look kind of shady if people knew. anyways, my friend just called and relayed the following story to me:

friend: “you’ll never guess what just happened.”

me: “what?!”

friend: “(insert name of guy she’s been banging) just called me and asked me if i told anyone about us.”

me: “WHY?!”

friend: “his boss just called him into his office and told him that he didn’t think it was a good idea that he was schtupping one of the staff.”

me: “holy fuck. what did he do?”

friend: “he said he played dumb and acted like he had no idea what he was talking about.”

me: “perfect”

friend: “I’M FREAKING OUT!”

me: “why? i think it’s funny. just keep denying. no one can prove that his penis has been inside of you. it’s just office gossip by a bunch of jealous wenches who wish they were banging him. it’s seriously funny.”

friend: “it’s not going to be funny if this gets to my boss!”

me: “your boss is an evil, single, bitter troll. if she throws your sex life in your face, just look at her like she is crazy and say just because i’m friends with some of the male staff, it doesn’t mean i’m having sex with them, and that you are hurt that your character is being tarnished by vicious office rumors.”

friend: “yea”

i mean, i hate to laugh at her predicament. but it’s funny to me. it’s not like her office has any rules against banging other employees, so she won’t get fired because of it. and besides secret office sex is SO fun. just thinking about sneaking around with someone i shouldn’t gets my panties wet.

well while we are on the subject, here are the 5 things girls should NEVER do after sleeping with a co-worker:

  1. Don’t freak out. Everyone has done it or at least considered doing it. You spend a minimum of 40 hours with your co-workers, you’re bound to want to bang one of them. Unless there is a policy at your office and you have the potential of being fired because of it, don’t fret
  2. Don’t think it will happen again. A lot of times our co-workers become our closest friends and when we become attracted to one, we assume that it’s natural if a relationship follows. I mean we see each other everyday, always have lunch together, GChat from our cubicles, have inside jokes, walk each other to our cars. So what! That’s what co-workers are for, and now, just because you bumped uglies, it doesn’t mean you can change your Facebook status from Single.
  3. Don’t tell everyone. The reality is, they probably already know. Office Gossip spreads faster than a California wildfire. But have some class, and keep it on the DL for several reasons. One, it’s nobody’s business. Two, if the guy finds out that you are telling everyone it may make him feel weird. And three, if he really does like you and wants to take it to the next level, you look way cooler it you act like it wasn’t a big deal. He’ll start wanting you to think it was a big deal.
  4. Don’t act completely blase about it. A lot of times when awkward things happen, we tend to overcompensate by acting like it didn’t mean anything at all. Look his penis was in your vagina (and possibly other places) maintaining the normal flirty relationship you had before you smacked skins will make him and you most comfortable. And let’s face it, if the sex was good, you are gonna want some more after the next happy hour, but acting too nonchalant, he make think you have no interest in going there again.
  5. Don’t worry if the sex was horrible or his penis was too small. The great thing about office hookups is that they are kind of taboo. So if the sex was awful, but you still want to be friends with the guy, it’s easy to say “We shouldn’t have gone there, we work together.” That way you are blowing him off with reason, and he’ll understand (probably).

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